August 14, 2012
For our second installment of anti-vocabulary lessons, the word vomit du jour is a seven letter abomination that perfectly packages a nauseating dose of matronly nicegirlness into one word: PANTIES.
This word is commonly uttered by librarians, dementia patients, and pedophiles alike. It conjures images of frills, elastic banding, and menses. 1923 called, they want their erotica back. The creature who dons panties also frequently tries to pull off a monocle...most likely sleeps under a monogrammed duvet...possibly wears a family heirloom from a great-great-grandmother that she often wore to go see the talkies in her Hooverville. Vintage!
Regardless of how small your vocabulary, there are a multitude of synonyms for this disgusting turn of phrase. Underwear. G-String. Lingerie. Bloomers for fuck sake. Kidding.
Speaking of bloomers and other ancient things, the term 'granny panties' is even worse. Granny panties is like the rat king of vomitacious phrasing. It is the equivalent of putting the word moist before cunt. I mean, granny and panties don't even fucking rhyme so I have no idea why people would use them to describe what one would wear when their housekeeper didn't do their laundry yet.
Recall Miss Rhode Island's answer to the pageant question "have you ever committed a crime?" Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mother wouldn't buy them for me--she said they were Satan's panties! Oh Cheryl, aside from the times you ate pizza and beer and didn't report your rapist, your only real crime was the last word of that statement.
Finally, if an actual male ever asks you to undress using the P-word, fucking run. The only thing he'll be bringing you in the morning is a box set of Leave it To Beaver... irony intended.