Betches Hate This Word: Pussy

By The Betches

As we all know, the vagina is disgusting. The way it looks, the way it sounds, pretty much everything other than its ability to orgasm in the presence of the penis attached to your douchebag of the moment. We do what we can to right this anatomical wrong: we groom accordingly, wear the most flattering three inches of fabric money can buy, and we try to forget that the only thing more disgusting than an actual vagina is the nickname used to describe it. There is a certain word whose mere utterance makes us shudder (in the bad way) and sends a shiver up our protruding spines.

It’s not even difficult to pinpoint what makes it so hideous. The thought of Sean Connery's octopusshhay, the inevitable image of the word coming from the mouth of a middle American extreme couponer,  and the obvious link from cat to fish. [Vom break.]

This verbal atrocity has found sneaky ways to torture us by working its way into many innocent phrases and contexts. Like a little nicegirl talking about her "pussy cat." Or your environmental studies professor discussing the origin of the "pussy willow." Fucking woof. 

If you’re a bro reading this, note that a betch will never be turned on by your use of this word. No matter how complimentary, it will always come off as creepy at best, and rapey at worst. Actually, we just totally #129 made that up, it will ALWAYS come off as rapey...legitimate, forcible, our-ears-need-a-rape-kit rape. Even if you aretelling a betch she has “the nicest pussy everrr," just know that we want to hear this like we want to hear we're at an average BMI. 

[Side: The other thing that fucking sucks about this word is that similar to 'cunt,' there's no male equivalent. Bros are proud to refer to their penises as cocks or dicks. These nicknames are just yet another way for them to overcompensate for their 3.5 inch extension of manhood.]

The only occasion when this word is ever okay is while coaxing someone who's being a little bitch into doing something, or in reference to a guy who is pussy-whipped. But even then, the word doesn't garner gentle, feminine associations. That is, unless you're calling your boyfriend one for refusing to beat the shit out of the 300 pound douchebag who called you a cunt for stealing his cab.

So, to the female genitalia of the world, we’d like to extend a public apology to you, on behalf of the mid-century douchebag who probably deemed you worthy of this word. Betches, no matter the situation, it's never okay to use this word casually. Consistently drop the P bomb and you'll find that yours will be the only friend who will chill with you at parties.

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