March 24, 2014
Ah, Cabo. Where to begin? It’s the west coast city that never sleeps. (But only because everyone’s so hyped up on Adderall.) It’s the reason you lost your iPhone and your virginity within 24 hours of each other. It’s also just fucking insane. And for that, Cabo deserves our special attention.
It’s unsurprising that betches love Cabo. It’s sunny. It’s a shit show. And it’s the Mexican resort destination voted least likely to end in visitor abduction. (This is important because we’d hate to see a betch spending the rest of her life teaching the wives of successful Mexican drug dealers how to do Pilates.)
Cabo is great because it has so much to offer. Why else would Jennifer “SmartWater” Aniston and Chelsea “Are You There, Vod?” Handler regularly agree to vacation here? The typical Cabo betch hails from the west coast. But occasionally brave betches from the east coast make the trek as well. It’s easy to pick this betch out of the crowd as she’ll be the only one with a New York I.D. that isn’t fake.
Like many spring break-centric destinations, Cabo resets every time the clock strikes 11. You have the 11 a.m. pregame and the 11 p.m. pregame. The Cabo betch knows that this dual pregame schedule is only way to maximize the city’s varied cultural institutions.
During Cabo Part Uno, betches head to popular haunts like Mango Dick and Nikki Beach. Betches love Mango Dick because it is overflowing with toned gentiles and tequila. Betches love Nikki Beach because it is overflowing with the same things, except more European-y.
Cabo Part Uno isn’t just about drunk make-outs and body shots, though. It’s a also about SHOPPING. Steer clear of Ultrafemme and head straight for those pesky beach peddlers. Grab Patrick Schwarzenegger and get him to buy you as many overpriced “Cabo 2014” headscarves as you can possibly tie around your body. Get one of the artisans to make you a couple “Cabo San Fook Us” bracelets as well. Just don’t forget to bargain down the price. Por ejemplo:
Betch: Cuantos quesos para your ripped t-shirt scarves?
Peddler: $5. Good price!
Betch: This guy I just hooked up with has a $20. Take that. Bonjour!
Cabo Part Dos is basically the same at Cabo Part Uno except with a darker, blurrier filter. Chances are Cabo Part Dos will take you to Squid Roe, that thing next to Squid Roe, that thing diagonal from Squid Roe, or the villa belonging to whatever bachelor party you happened to crash during the day.
We’d be lying if we said that Cabo was all fun and pregames. Things can get carried away – and not just the Chanel bag that disappeared while you were asleep.
But when God gives the Cabo betch lemons, she takes a shot. And then she gets shit done. For example, she knows to bypass the “ambulencia” parked outside and head straight for the “emergencia room” at her hotel. And she also knows that when hotel security threatens to call the “policia” because they think she’s a “prostituta,” they’re not kidding. Betch knows to RUN.
So Cabo can get a little crazy. Even still, we love Cabo…and its farmacias.