July 24, 2012
With an uncomfortable amount of Irish pubs, a 2am nightlife curfew and the kind of “healthy” BMI that only a doctor could love, we stand by our previous statement that the city of Boston is like, not really our thing.
When it comes to higher education, the Boston betch only has one real option, and that’s Harvard final clubs, where you'll find all the WASPy bros and lax legacies you could ever want. Oh, and their sister school: Boston University. Mislabeled citywide as “biddies,” the betches of BU are mainly a mix of rich East Coast prep school WASBs, rich tri-state area JABs, rich SoCal daughters of the entertainment industry and rich foreign betches.
Greek life has a lame reputation at BU in general, but at some point it most likely encompasses most cool people, with the exception of the foreign betches. There aren't any sorority houses so it's like whatever, by the time you're a junior/senior, a lot of betches drop their sororities.
Sororities: The top houses are considered Alpha Phi, DG and ADPi. During recruitment, ADPi hides the majority of their chapter, the nicegirls who boost their GPA, in the back like illegal sweatshop workers. Alpha Phi harbored the founding Harvard Hoochies. DG offers the most diversity between the three. Finally, SDT for the JABs.
Frats: Pike and Sigma Chi are top two, and the bros with whom betches are most likely to rage. Sigma Chi gives off a southern gent feel, while Pike gives off an East Coast prep school asshole feel. Many a BU betch was born, figuratively speaking, in their houses. AEPi boys are future (Persian) pros from the tristate area. Catch them as the "Blue Diamond Society" throwing what appears to be a bat mitzvah every Saturday at Splash.
Like all the foreign bros on campus, the BU betch doesn’t even go to BU, she goes to Bijou (or Mantra for the older generations). For clubs: Bijou or Gypsy on Thursdays, The Estate on Fridays, Splash’s day party on Saturdays, then Bijou again. It doesn't really matter what the club of the moment is as it's always changing whenever Boston PD shuts them down for letting in underage kids. Every betch knows, East Coast Nightlife pics or it didn’t fucking happen.
Frats are primarily for the freshman betch. A betch goes to maybe one frat party freshman year, on Halloween. In all honestly a good fake ID is a necessity for school in Boston because frat parties are for freaks. Follow the sound of Old Wagon Wheel and look for boys in Sperries and Vineyard Vines, possibly carrying lax sticks, with which they most likely never played in high school. Try the GAP – Gardner St, Allston St and Pratt St.
Tuesdays are for T’s Pub. T’s presents the BU betch with the opportunity to not-karaoke, blackout mid-week. Also, T’s on Saturdays: the place to meet BU’s only varsity sport, the men’s hockey team. Girls who go after BU hockey players are called PUCK FUCKS.
Otherwise, bars are where to go when the betch wants to pretend to be #121 casual. Go to T’s to hang with BU bros and final club bros. Daisy’s to hang with BC bros and foreign bros on their way to Bijou Thursdays. TITS works throughout the weekend. Final club bros are the only ones who think White Horse Wednesdays are going to happen. They’re not going to happen.
Betches on the hunt for a pro should hit up the Liberty Hotel.
BU is primarily located down two streets: Comm Ave & Newbury St, where the main thing to do is shop, therefore it's more likely to run into other betches on the latter.
During moments of weakness when a betch decides to do #36 work, she will go to the third floor of Mugar library where they "study" aka allow themselves a chance to stop and chat with their entire hookup web. I mean it's not like you have to study, you go to BU.
It should be noted that the Dexter gym and the second floor of the FitRec are critical. The weight machines are basically the only place for the eight months out of the year where a betch can see what’s really hiding beneath a BU bro’s Canada Goose. Likelynothing.com/depressing. Anyway, this is also the best opportunity for a betch to decide whether or not she’ll someday take him home and #8 not fuck him after T’s. Sooo weird I’ve never seen you before!
Notable Events: There aren't many....
Marathon Monday: Citywide, if you’re not blackout drunk by 9am, you’re either running the marathon or working retail. Marathon is kind of like a series of unfortunate, drunken events. The place to be is Beacon Street, until you find yourself in the Pike basement at 2pm with a still-lit blunt in your hand and eighty missed calls from your roommate who can’t find her way off some rooftop. End up that night at T’s pub or T Anthony’s bathroom floor and wonder forever how you got there.
Senior Week: Think of this as a week of excessive drug use. A night at Foxwoods, a senior brunch and every rooftop accessible all string together for a week of binge drinking. The real event is the senior bar crawl, obviously fucking not coordinated by the school. Everyone you've ever spoken to/fucked is separated into teams and you go to Allston bars. SHITSHOW.
Puerto Vallarta, Punta Cana or anywhere else you can abuse some all-expenses-paid hotel at a group rate, or wherever your besties at other, more fun colleges who have the same week off are going.
Where to live
Freshman betches live in West Campus. Sure, it’s farther from their COM classes than East Campus, but Warren Towers is for virgins who can’t drive.
After freshman year always move into Dexter Park or the Atrium with foreign bros.
As of Fall 2012, the BU betch will be able to buy Pinkberry with convenience points, to supplement her previously strict diet of Angora froyo.
Stephanie’s on Newbury is like the BU betch’s club house. Go for drunk brunch – voted the best bloody mary on BU’s campus. Great for group dinners, for when your parents come in town or for when you’re trying to kill time between Intermix and Rag & Bone.
Other places betches love to meet and not eat: The Eastern Standard, Zaftigs or Paramount for brunch. Also, Scoozi, Sunset Cantina and The Cafeteria.
Kayuga is a freshman betch's pregame staple since it's basically on West Campus. Betches go for the sake and stay for the sake because the sushi actually tastes like cat food.
Before you graduate you should:
Smoke a J in the bakery freshman year, get knighted at the BU pub
The Most Cultural Thing You’ll Experience:
A Red Sox game, pubs
All the guys in your bullshit CGS humanities class may be hot, but they’re also all checking each other out. Not to mention they're all ugly.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing