August 6, 2012
In the spirit of #36 not doing work we decided to make our first Ivy League post about the easiest school, both to get into and make fun of. It's the institution that brought us Andy Bernard, the pesky bitch from Up in the Air, and zero US presidents. It's a place where fun goes to die and seasonal affective disorder goes to live, but fuck that, it's gorges.
Cornell is part private/part state school and there's nothing a losery Cornellian loves more than to talk about what school they're in and compare their school and workload with others'.
Hotel: Half the students are serious hotel loving freaks whose devotion to napkin folding earned them a head manager position at the Cheesecake Factory upon graduation. The other half are stupid rich kids. The school's considered a joke but it's shadily hard. "Hotelies," as they call themselves, are sorted into totalitarian class blocks and forced to don suits every Friday morning of freshman fall. They invest in iron chef-grade knives and at the end of it all they get to go to a prom as a reward for their achievements.
ILR: shadily the chillest school; seems like no one is totally clear on what exactly industrial relations are, including students/professors of the school; unions; magically everyone gets a job or into law school
Human Ecology: School of all random topics having to do with humans. Naturally it also encompasses the fashion major. The MVR building, much like the term Human Ecology, makes no fucking sense.
Arts: Comprised of private school kids and those with a genuine interest in native american folklore; the abroad problem (see below)
Engineering, Architecture: Always doing work, no one knows them. The latter is inexplicably obsessed with dragons.
CALS: Some call it Ag, others call it hell. If you know someone taking genetics, beware of starting any conversation with them because somehow it will turn into a discussion about flies.
The Asians: There are two distinct types. Outside of the TABs in the Greek system, first you have your typical nerds who you're unaware even go there until you get a C on your prelim (a unique, necessary word for a fucking midterm) because they ruined the curve with their perfect score. Then there are the elite Asians who drive BMWs, live in 312, are part of the underground Asian frat scene, and won't refrain from speaking their dialect of origin very loudly in the elevators.
Athletes: Hockey, lax, basketball, and tennis get the most respect because their teams are actually good (sort of). Most athletes are in frats and because Cornell doesn't have a tailgate to speak of, the football frat has a better reputation than the team.
Grad students: They are the 35-year-olds viciously scribbling notes in the front row of your lecture who ask millions of questions. Should we expect the problem set to be posted on blackboard at 1 or 1:10?
The GDIs: These make up the masses of Cornell. They can be found working the desk at Helen Newman.
Compared to most schools, Cornell's greek life is on par with the fun-ness level of the 'This Is' video. Regardless, being part of Greek life is really the only way to go if you want to have a social life, though it's completely unnecessary to be involved in your sorority past sophomore year, outside of going to mixers and getting your house banned from any and all formal venues. If Greek Week is something you're attending you're probably in the new sorority that just randomly came and decided to occupy the AOPi house. Keep in mind that we use the term top tier loosely as 95% of Cornell's student body were TTH non-partying work horses in high school who took actual pride in their 4.2 GPA, were honored to be voted Hardest Worker and would've loved to major in clawing your way to the top.
Sororities: Top houses are DG, Theta, Alpha Phi and Kappa. Alpha Phi sports your nicegirls who are expressly forbidden to #134 dance on tables.
Frats: Top are Psi U, Sig Phi, Chi Psi, Sig Chi, Alpha Delt, ATO for lax bros. Since the university has been on a rampage against Greek life, frats that used to be considered good are now replaced by several midlevel frats who believe they're on the rise. If you want to be confused, check out a TKE composite.
To do during the day
Spring/Fall: Go to the plantations, slope or the gorges to tan, or sit outside at CTB. If the weather's not nice, which is most of the time, then you're fuck out of things to do.
One thing that's actually fun about Cornell is wine tours, an event in which a methed-out bus driver will transport you between 2-3 vineyards, where you will sit in a field and photograph yourself looking shitfaced au naturale. Alternatively you could go to Six Mile Creek which is five minutes away, optimal timing to blaze in the green hornet.
Winter: It's too fucking cold to do anything except sit in your apartment, but since most people at Cornell love to feel productive, they will probably go to Mann 3rd floor to people-watch/excessively refresh facebook while on Adderall. If they want to actually study they will go to Olin or worse, Uris.
Night Life (or lack thereof):
Everything in Ithaca closes at 1am, enough said. Attending a school where a common nightly activity that involves standing on the street corner is referred to as "club sidewalk," and where the libraries close later than the bars, speaks for itself.
Downfall of Johnny O's/Dino's/The Palms: Every bar that could maybe pass for fun closed last year. Never mind that nobody actually went to them until 12:45 because 15 minutes is the maxiumum tolerable amount of time to be inside those saunas, but the minimum time needed to snap a few pics on the
tables risers. The JOs backdoor is a fond memory of every alum betch. Adios Jefe.
Pixel: Once upon a time Pixel was a place where Hells Angels and people in Thumpty would drink but now that the actual bars are gone, in flocked the "people who go out." This place can only be described as the chamber of sweat... with a random Pixel group photog.
Ruloffs: A restaurant/pub sort-of that turns into a bar but is too bright so it's more of a chill scene. People eat tacos on Tuesdays.
Stellas: This is ctown's closest claim to a "nice restaurant." It turns into a bar that serves trendy drinks and strongly rejects the underaged. If you go here during the day, you will want to kill yourself and more importantly your waiter. Remember the mimosa I ordered 30 minutes ago that you just served me? Well I asked for champagne in it.
Dunbars: For the GDI who wants to listen to jukebox tunes and end the night smelling like urine.
Level B: For fishbowls on Wednesday. If you go on any other night and/or dance on the pole you're either weird or a hot Asian.
Loko: For margaritas. Conveniently located down the worst hill imaginable.
Homecoming: The official Cornell tailgate can by no means be described as a party, more like a 'supervised parking lot soirée.' Nobody goes to the game.
Slope Day: This is the big event, every frat/sorority/business frat/a capella group/group of GDI class friends creates their own neon shirts and everyone wakes up early to do what they call "rage." The morning mixers/parties are always more fun than the actual slope part because the performer is usually third-tier at best and because most normal people would rather party in an actual bar or club than on a 45 degree angle. We hear it's fun.
Crush Parties: Lakewatch, the Haunt, the Ramada. Sometimes a sorority will pretend that their crush party invite is exclusive and actually stick a toolish sophomore at the door with a list. Classy as fuck.
Formals: Visit Proper Puss and get a sorority group spray tan in advance, then start drinking. As you walk to the buses, the losers who are studying in Starbucks will give you dirty looks. Dressing like a slut at 4pm never looked so good.
Senior Week/Duff Ball: Duff Ball is basically just a date-less senior prom except with more ugly people where the elusive members of the Duff Ball committee decorate the walls with ironic balloons and murals. Wait on line forever to get a glass of shitty wine.
For senior week you can give Cornell one last quick cash infusion by buying tickets to events you have already attended with your sorority such as wine tours, booze cruises, and brunches. During senior week the school also holds a rave, a carnival, and a nostalgic poetry reading.
Freshman year: Cornell assigns you housing but a smart betch will either get a doctor's note or donate enough money to live in the air-conditioned Mews or Court Kay Bauer. If you get stuck living in Balch you'll spend your freshman year getting judged by the nicegirls who stay in to watch movies every weekend and avoiding the girl who puts up signs pleading with you not to feed her cat.
Sophomore year: Live in the sorority house. West Campus = Weird Campus.
Junior/senior year: Collegetown or die. Prime real estate is on College Ave: 407 if you want to wait years for the elevator, 400 if you want tickets to CTP after-hours viewing, or 312 if you want elite Asian neighbors and to have your parties unsuccessfully shut down by Bob, ctown's only security guard. On College Ave it's not acceptable to live below 210, or 204 if you're cool enough that people will walk down there to chill. Off of College Ave the only other options are 227 Linden, Eddygate, or the suddenly relevant Pixel Alley.
- Terrace and Trillium are the lunch scenes. Be sure to talk about 'beating the salad line' as adamantly as you would discuss battling cancer.
- If you're eating at Oakenshields or the Ivy Room you probably live in Hans Bethe Haus and your idea of high-end cuisine is buffet.
- Manndibles: No I would not like any flax in my iced coffee.
- Banfi's and the Regent Lounge at the Statler Hotel to bursar your life away.
- CTB: This is not a bagel place, it's a way of life. Every Cornell betch loves posting up on the CTB patio and drinking sangria, even though you can't get tan until like 4pm when the sun isn't blocked by buildings. Beggars can't be choosers. Befriend Paula so you can cut the line. Do you know what the soups are today?
- CTP: If you're a betch it's only acceptable to be seen at CTP after 1am when this tiny pizza store and the street outside becomes its very own after hours scene. Known by some as The Meat Market, this is where everyone stands while waiting to find out where they will go do drugs for after "hours."
- Sake bomb at Plum Tree (got sushi?), or at Miyake if you can make it 10 more feet down the hill. Kyushu for occasions when it's worth it to call a cab so you can take a picture of yourself with a Japanese waiter and his gong.
- The froyo market was formerly dominated by Jason's (RIP Tasti @ Collegetown Candy and arbitrarily priced Green Cafe froyo) but now
Yogurt Crazy Johnny Fro's is the place to go for an overpriced vehicle for your toppings.
- John Thomas, The Heights, Zaza's, Madeline's, or Carriage House for like, real food.
Betches go in the spring to all the usual European spots, plus Australia and Tel Aviv. The best thing about being in the Arts school is having to take 30 million credits in the language of the city you plan to study abroad in or else be forced to go to London, Australia, or Copenhagen.
Acapulco used to be the spot until the decapitations. Now it's usually Puerta Vallarta or Punta Cana.
Most cultural thing you'll experience:
Ithacans on the commons, Ithaca College, the little clarinet boxes that people walk around with that you later discover are Wines "supplies", Bill Nye
- scream at a tour group IT SUCKS HERE DON'T GO!
- climb the clocktower (for instagram purposes)
- make out with a hot lax dad on lax weekend
- call McQueen
- brutal, freezing cold, excessive amounts of rain
- lack of bars
- competitive psychopaths
- competitive psychopaths obsessed with talking about the library (oh you're going to Olin? What floor? I'm coming in like 5 hours can you save me a seat that's like near a window and sort of the scene but also kind of away from the scene and like make sure the outlet works, k?)
- Denise Cassaro
- The Islands parking lot
- people always asking you how your course enroll went (Great! How did your rectal probe go?)
- people who are passionate about causes and hand you flyers on Ho Plaza
- freshman writing seminars
- arbitrary parking regulations (wait, I can only park here after 9:47 on Saturdays...what's today?!)
- people always walking around in suits like they have serious places to go (and they like, do)
- people walking to class
- getting stuck behind a slow driver on route 79
- people always talking about prelims
- excessive people asking if you've thought about killing yourself since you go to Cornell
- mandatory swim test
- poor winter maintenance on engineering quad
- pre-frosh summer reading
- decrepit cobblestone on Stewart Ave
- the stench of the libraries due to people sleeping there
- the moment you realize Wines is a very hard class with assigned seats and no laptops and you aren't allowed to text during it
- the forcible touching emails
- the condolence emails from Skorton that ruin your high
- the insufferable knowledge that if you worked a little harder or your parents had more money you probably could've gone to Penn. And if you tried a little less hard you could've gone to Michigan.