July 30, 2012
When people hear "Indiana" they immediately think of sister fuckers, meth labs, and crops. This is 100% accurate. But this state's other main attraction is Indiana University. Located in Bumblefuck, America, if you drive one hour south of the closest "city" (city is in quotes because 2 tall buildings do not constitute a city) which is 45 miles south of Indianapolis, past all the cows and Denny's, you'll find yourself in Bloomington, Indiana. Now why would anyone go to school there you ask? Picture 40,000 kids in a 2 mile radius with nothing better to do then to get as shitfaced as possible. What is unique is that everyone is on the same page. The collegetown consists of 2 blocks full of random clothing stores that don't fit in, restaurants that will be the cause of your adult onset IBS, and some of the best bars in the United States.
If there is one thing IU prides itself on, it is how blacked out one was last night. Yeah, this school is all about hard liquor and like, not that much beer. I mean, why drink a warm Keystone when you can rip shots of grape Karkov??
We're not going to delve too far into this topic because there's so much to say, but basically your entire college experience/life is solely based on whether you take part of greek life or don't. But the difference at IU is that being a GDI is totally cool—as long as you’re a cool GDI. Here's the breakdown:
GDI's: There are two types of GDI's; loser nicegirls who cant make it through rush/hicks, and then there’s people who just prefer to smoke weed openly in their overpriced apartment.
Best Sororities: Tri-delt, Alpha Phi, Pi Phi, Chi O…Honorable mention to DZ and AXiD for mastering the art of NGAF.
Best Frats: Pi Kapps hands down rages the hardest, Delts and Phi Psi…Acacia and ATO like, used to be cool but then ATO got kicked off campus and we saw our bestie’s younger freshman sister at Acacia so we left immediately. Beta boys are the nicegirls of frat life but smoke a shit ton of weed. It's been said that Kappa Sigs like to make out with each other because "it's funny."
While some schools take pride in their research and high graduation rates, Indiana's main honor is the students' ability to drink all day and always make it out at night. When it's nice out, typically during Welcome Week and Little 5 (more on this later), everyone just casually brings mixies/does cocaine before class, or rents boats on Lake Monroe. But when we say boat, we mean a double decker piece of scrap metal that may or may not give in at any minute. But like, who cares? You're drunk. Hundreds of people in the state of Indiana flock to a lake, tie boats together, and get fucking wasted. This isn't NOT random but it's also not not incredible. Picture large masses of people beer-bonging handles, smoking joints, and having sex. Everywhere.
When you're partying off shore, you'll be raging face at a live out then Kilroy's or Sports. Normally we don't give a shit about promotional crew neck t-shirts, but after 10 shots you would be willing to revert your nose job for a Hanes shirt that says “K.O.K.” in XXL.
The pregame is the most casual non-casual thing about going out in Indiana because you're never just pregaming. You're usually pregaming your pregame's pregame. In other words, IU pregames are what other schools would call ‘parties’. And once you’re old enough to go to the bars, they’re amazing. Not only do they close really late, but the shots are dirt cheap. This isn't cool because you would ever pay for them, it's cool because the guys you're with are stupid and will buy you about fifteen. Then there's Sports mac n' cheese, aka crack. If you ask the guy who is serving it if there's actual crack in there, he will flash you his 3 pearly yellows and say 'not that I know of.' It's important to note that if you know what this cheesy heaven tastes like sober, you're disgusting and probably poor.
Kilroy's, Sports, Nick's, Dunnkirk, Bluebird, Jakes, Brothers, Bears, Crazy Horse
Necessities: Buy/steal a "sink the biz" game set from Nicks. Push girls out of the way for a free tee at Kilroy's Thursdays and Saturdays.
Nonchalantly steal as many Kilroy's/Sports shot glasses that you can fit in your bag.
Tuesdays: Kilroy's, Nicks
Wednesdays: Kilroy's & Sports, Bluebird, Crazy Horse
Thursdays: Kilroy's, Sports, Dunkirk
Fridays: Kilroy's, Sports
Saturdays: Kilroy's, Sports
Sundays: Day of Rest (unless it's sunny)
One word: basketball.
We know our football team sucks. That’s why we don’t actually go in to the games, but we would NEVER miss a tailgate…nor have we ever lost one.
If you go to Indiana, it's extremely important that you go abroad. The main, and only reason, for this is because if you don't, you are stuck in fucking Bloomington, Indiana. You need this semester abroad to remind you that the world isn't a giant cornfield and that there is such a thing as a full set of teeth. Go to Barcelona, Florence, Prague, or Tel Aviv.
Places to live:
Freshman year: If you do not live in NorthWest campus you are socially hanging yourself. So much so that you might as well lie and say you live there anyway. NW campus is made up of 3 dorms. Briscoe, Mcnutt, Foster. Any of these are perfect, lol Mcnutt. Check out #2.
Sophmore through Senior year:
East Coast/West Coast people: For you, there is no reason not to live a block from the bars. Therefore you'll live right in the center of town. Best apartments: Smallwood, 10th and College, New Pavillion, Omegas, Omega Quarters, Rubicon. Anywhere in the radius of Kirkwood to 10th and Washington to College is acceptable and encouraged.
Midwest GDI's: These people live close to/in the tailgating fields in the Villas, Dunnhill, and Campus Courts.
Greek Living: Upside, the houses are fucking mansions. Downside, the 3 year live in requirement for most of the houses. North Jordan is convenient but not as fun as the Jordan extension. 3rd street has a sick location, but it's hardly the rage scene.
Off campus: Living off campus is sketch, but also legit. Yeah sure my house looks like a run down meth lab, but having a backyard and front yard for day drinking is sooo worth the risk of inhaling my neighbors crack fumes.
Acapulco was the spot until people starting losing their heads, like literally. Now Puerto Vallerta is the place to go. Many kids go down to Florida but that is for people who are too afraid to leave the country/don't have money.
Every Saturday from Sept-Dec: Tailgate time. This is football season. Does this mean anything to you? No. Do you continue to drink ridiculous amounts of liquor and celebrate anyway? Fuck yes.
If there is a home game it is actually embarrassing if you don't attend the tailgate. And don't even for a second think that a death in the family or mono are acceptable excuses. IU is actually known for its tailgates, in that more people go to these than can fit in a Michigan football stadium.
Any hoosier, people wear as much red Indiana garb as they physically can. If an IU tailgate were a girl, she'd have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina. You wake up at 6 am, which is about 6 hours earlier than you'd ever wake up for class. You rip shots 6:30, chase with iced coffee. Then, you pregame. Head to the
football tailgating field at around 8am. Refrain from peeing in the porta-potty, but if it's an emergencia, cut the line.
Side note: When dressing up for the tailgate, just because the attire is 'spirited' this is not an excuse to wear a large jersey, sweatband, and/or any amount of athletic gear. It's called sporty cute, not lesbian cute for a reason.
As an IU betch, it's completely reasonable that you only found out that Little 5 is a bike race sophomore year. The reason it's ok is because the bike race is the last thing you're thinking about during this week. It ironically/not-so-ironically happens around April 20th, and lasts about 7-10 days. The IU betch has been saving her absences from mandatory attendance classes to ensure that nothing gets in the way of you not remembering this week.
Even Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Tiesto, and Alesso just came to say hello a few years ago. Also, 20+ of your friends and your friends' friends will come visit and seeing as their schools are an AA meeting compared to Indiana University, you will be thoroughly impressed if they do not die. I mean, IU kids train all year for this week of heavy binge drinking...Bikers may have their bikes, but IU betches have their vodka.
Little 5 is no fucking joke.
Things to do before you graduate:
Play as many games of "Sink the Biz" at Nick's
Do an IU bar crawl
Smoke a joint on the football field
Go to Oliver Winery
It's a public school and you're like, in Indiana.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing