June 30, 2014
Our next Ivy is Princeton. We can’t believe we haven’t done one on Princeton yet, considering it’s home to the Princeton Mom betch, White Privilege Kid, and the closest Ivy to the Jersey Shore, home of #11 Jersey Shore. Its classes are actually hard and there’s that grade deflation shit, not to mention all the Asians, but the fact that you could get to live in a dorm that looks like a castle gives it a few points. Plus, Brooke Shields and Michelle Obama went there.
Engineering: These betches graduate with a B.S.E. (Betches of Science in Engineering) and they love reminding everyone how much better they are than everyone else in the world. They boast the lowest average GPA of any Ivy League group (not that we did a study or anything) but somehow still manage to have egos big enough to compete against Kanye West. They blame their shit GPA on grade deflation and being an engineer. They also always love talking about having more work than anyone else on campus, even though they write no essays, don’t have excessive readings, don’t write junior papers, and have no language requirements. They may be the only betches on campus not giving up and going to work at JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, or “consulting.” But if you’re Operations Research and Financial Engineering, which nobody understands, that’s the only thing you’ll ever do.
Arts & Sciences: They graduate with an A.B. Same exact thing as a Betch of Arts, but because Princeton is the second most pretentious Ivy (just after Harvard, which is the betchiest Ivy by far) they reverse the letters. It’s not even French. If you decide that you want to have an easier life than being an engineer, you graduate with an A.B. You could have ended up being an A.B. one of two ways. Either your daddy paid the University and his assistant filled out your application or you were Chemical and Biological Engineering and decided you can’t do it, so you dropped down to Chemistry. If it’s the latter, you can keep on talking about how hard B.S.E. is while enjoying the free time of being A.B. If it’s the former, you can keep talking about how hard it is flying business class to France because your sister is using the private jet to go to the Bahamas.
Woody Woo: They also graduate with an A.B., but are special. They mix math and politics, basically. Woody Woo betches love to network and know everyone and their popularity is decided by how deftly they can climb the social ladder. Every Woody Woo major says they want to work for the State Department, but every Woody Woo major will become an investment banker.
Sororities: Theta, Kappa, Pi Phi. That’s it. You join to network, or because you want more connections into an eating club. Or because your grandma from Alabama wants you to join one and will pay you to.
Frats: Betch, please.
It’s not technically Greek Life, but they have booze and giant houses and some of them are selective and they have stereotypes, soooo we don’t really see the difference.
Terrace: If you’re really into weed, the classic alternative scene complete with murals of ironically mainstream quotes, and rushes of drunk people at 2AM when all the other eating clubs close, this is all you. Did I mention weed?
Tower: If you act, sing, do both at the same time, or are a Woody Woo major, you come here. Don’t get too excited if you get a passbook to Tower because their passes are inflated anyway.
Cannon: Athletes. Nasty. Selective, but really no.
Quad: It’s open all the time. But still no one goes there. Ever. Unless it’s during frosh week and you don’t know any better.
Ivy: The only eating club with a wait staff. If you’re not the child of a CEO, CFO, COO, or POTUS, then don’t even think about it.
Cottage: Pretentious Southern athletes. The only time it’s actually dece is after 1AM and during every Sunday in April when you get to dardy (Sunday Funday).
Cap: It’s actually kind of chill here.
Cloister: The only time you go is during frosh week and during two articles night. You are 900% more likely to get an STD from standing in their backyard during frosh week than you are in an Emory frat house.
Charter: Charter Fridays. Only go on Fridays. Are they even open other nights? It’s so far.
T.I.: If you want to swallow live goldfish and get beer poured on you, like, every night, go here. They also put on State Night, which is when they pretend that Princeton is a state school, and go harder than they usually do. When you have transports, the patient probably went to TI that night.
Colonial: Coroniar, because Asians.
The 21 Club: Five peeps each from Cap, Ivy, TI, and Cottage, and then one not in an eating clubs are punched for the 21 club each year. Your initiation is to drink thirty beers in one hour. You drink for the first minute, puke for the next minute, and so on. On the bright side, you get a sticker to get you into any eating club any time you want. On the downside, you die.
If you’re okay with sweating, you should live in Rocky or Mathey because, castle. If you need air conditioning, go to Butler or Whitman. They say Wilson is centrally located, but that just means it’s far from everything. The only redeeming quality they have is that it’s not Forbes.
Take a picture with John Nash. There’s nothing else to do.