Betches Love This College: Southern Methodist University

By The Betches

July 16, 2012

In this installment of Betches Love This College, we bring you Southern Methodist Millionaire's University, best known for its rich white people. Only the strong survive at SMU, and by strong we mean pretty, WASBy, and born into the #17 Lucky Sperm Club. (And since Kourtney Kardashian is only 2 out of 3, she lasted just one semester.)

The betch who goes here has a rolling membership to Palm Beach Tan, an undergrad M-R-S degree in the works, and refuses to walk anywhere... I mean, so what if she lives on campus and it takes longer to find parking than the walk to Cox? You better fucking believe she's driving her Range Rover to class.

Greek Life

It's unlikely that a betch who goes to SMU chooses not to be in a sorority, and unless she's fucking clueless. First semester freshman year is the most important time in this betch's life to slap on her #41 fake smile and lay off the semen.

Sororities: Top 3 are obviously Theta, Kappa, and Pi Phi. Don't pretend like you ever wanted to rush any other house.

Thetas have a rep for being coke/potheads and are mainly from Cali, the east coast, Chicago, and some foreign countries. Pi Phis try maintain their nicegirl rep but everyone knows they love their coke, ecstasy and FIJI dick. Kappas are southerners who idolize Martha Stewart and are in a constant race to tie the knot.

Every SMU sorority girl knows the power of her sorority pin and shows that shit off on every purse and outfit that she owns. Forget it at home and run the risk of being mistaken for a freshman or worse, a GDI.

Fraternities: It's imperative that a betch finds the frat she best identifies with at the beginning of freshman year and ensures her invite to every formal and away weekend with that frat for the next four years. Make sure it's one of the top four: FIJI for the betch who loves a good lesson in smokenomics, Phi Delt for the southern betch who loves a good snow day, PIKE for every #157 WGG betch, or SAE for annual passes to #10 Candyland and some magic chili in the Spring.

The frat scene fizzles after sophomore year, when rush and themed parties are no longer the most important thing in the world. Juniors and seniors love Uptown on the weekends and Homebar Thursday but girls never get over their sororities and are obsessed with any event their house puts on.

Post college

SMU betches who stay in Dallas are probably members of elite social clubs like Slipper Club and Cotillion Club and have boyfriends in Calyx - because nothing says friendship like paying people to hang out with you. (NOTE: It's ok to branch out if you're paying top dollar for it.)

This post-college, Southern belle betch is waiting for her pro boyfriend of four years to pop the question so that she can stop pretending she actually wants to be in law school. Unfortunately, she can't see through her rose-colored Ray Bans that her man isn't just an investment banker, he's a real cake boy.

At Night You Should

Monday: Milo's

Tuesday: Stan's Blue Note

Wednesday: San Fransisco Rose for karaoke

Thursday: Homebar. The only thing worse than not making it to Homebar Thursday is being uncomfortably sober at Homebar and subjected to watching a group of Kappas dance in a circle to Britney Spears while taking pictures of each other.

Homebar is also great because if you're not dating your dealer and you don't have any connections to an SAE, you can always order a gram of coke with your next round of Vegas Bombs and blow lines on the picnic tables out back with your besties.

Friday and Saturday: Go to Uptown and hunt for Dallas pros. Choose between Liar's Den, TABC, Idle Rich, and Rio Room if your pro BF is getting a table.

During The Day You Should

Year-round, a betch can be found working off her iced coffee at Dedman, tanning at the Falls, training for her next half-marathon on the Katy Trail, or charging a pair of Louboutins to her mom's Neiman's card at NorthPark.

See and be seen any day of the week at Katy Trail Ice House.

Fall: Tailgating is the perfect opportunity for a betch to go to brunch with her besties and continue getting shitfaced on the Boulevard for the next three hours. It's every betch's favorite way to show she has school spirit by dressing up in her slutty Sunday best. And since no betch would ever be caught dead at the actual football game, she kills time after the tailgate and before her night out by making her way over to Barley House, Milo's or Ozonas.

Sidenote: SMU betches will never understand how it is socially acceptable for girls at state schools to wear t-shirts to tailgate.

Special Events Include

Phi Delt Casino, SAE Jungle, FIJI Island, KA Crawfish Boil, SAE Chili Cook Off, PIKE Shrimpfest, formals, and Mom's/ Dad's Weekend.

Rush Week: It fucking sucks for everyone, but is culminated in a degrading and hilarious tradition affectionately known as the Pig Run. Frat guys line up to throw shit at freshmen girls who are running towards their new sorostitute houses. Nothing is funnier than seeing a baby pledge bawling on the way to her new house as a frat star pelts her in her horse face with a water balloon.

Bid Day is also a great reason to day drink with your besties and climb trees while wearing catsuits all in the name of sorority pride.

Fall break: Everyone who's anyone (AKA the Thursday night Homebar crowd) will be in Vegas for Fall Break, and every bestie group will have their own table at XS at least one night. 

Mardi Gras: A Southern betch loves beads and scoping out new help for her granddaddy's cotton farm in Alabama.

Homecoming: Is the result of SMU's sexually repressed community dying to see fraternity guys dress in costume, proving that southern republicans are secretly raging homosexuals. With themes like Broadway musicals and Disney movies, there really is no other explanation: Homecoming = shady gay pride parade.

Music Festivals: SMU betches love dressing up in neon and bringing their BFF molly out for the night. House music runs the SMU bubble of betches and douchebags. (Obvi the George Dubstep Bush Library would be at SMU. Laura raved at SMU in her heyday.)

Spring Break

A betch can be found in Cabo, Acapulco, The Bahamas, or Costa Rica. 

Study Abroad

Most people don't go abroad (nothing says Southern white people like an inability to see the value in any country but #63 America) but those who do go to the typical places: Barcelona, Madrid, Copenhagen, Paris, London, Australia. A lot of SMU betches do summer in Taos where you get credit for classes like rock climbing, probs even birdwatching or some other bullshit, but basically everyone just sits around campfires and shotguns beers for a month.

Where to live

Freshmen year - McElvaney or Boaz. You don't want to get stuck in the multi-cultural dorm Morrison-McGinnis or worse, Mary Hay or Peyton and live with the Meadows students Drama freaks.

Sophomore year - guys live in frat houses, girls live in brothels. Live on Normandy, Rosedale, Rankin, Milton or in Uptown.

Junior and Senior years — girls live in their sorority houses and guys move off campus to locations mentioned above.


If she eats at all, it's at Central Market or Eatzi's for the free samples.

Froyo is a betchy staple. Take your pick from PinkBerry, Yumilicious, Menchie's and I Heart Yogurt.

Brunch at Nick and Sam's Grill, Penne Pomodoro, or Bread Winners.

There is so much tex-mex food it's dangerous. Dallas betches can’t get enough queso. Mi Cocina is a betch’s fave Mexican restaurant. An episode of Khloe and Lamar was shot there (Kim wouldn’t eat the tortilla chips). Their Mambo Taxis are a lethal mix of margaritas and sangria.

Javier’s for your pro bf to take you for gourmet Mexican.

Gloria’s and Blue Goose are also fave Mexican restaurants for betches where it's socially acceptable to get sloppy. Dinners before formals, pledge class dinners, and birthday parties are big at Glo’s and Blue Goose for betches. “Blue Goose, get loose”

Most cultural thing you'll experience

Sake bombing at Kyoto, Asians in Fondren, skinny margaritas at Banditos, or practicing for your Spanish test with the Mexican women who cleans your sorority house.

Before You Graduate You Should

Hook up on the lawn in front of Dallas Hall without getting caught by SMU PD

Be spotted on SMU Style as most stylish on campus. BONUS: be really original and start your own fashion blog.


Park n Pony, Mexicans, the high ugly guy to gorgeous girl ratio forcing betches to date guys for their personalites, and povo professors







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