August 28, 2012
In honor of New Orleans and the high chance that it's about to get fucked up by another hurricane, Betches Love This College brings you Tulane University. A haven for betchiness, Tulane (or Jewlane) is where JABs and WASBs from the northeast unite to go party in a clean, classy city with very few minorities. If your dad doesn’t own a sports team, doesn’t wipe his ass with twenties, or didn’t invent toaster strudel, this may not be the school for you. That is unless you're a black kid from Nola or an athlete or likely both. But no matter who you are, you'll instantly become a Saints fan and find yourself randomly shouting WHO DAT whenever you fucking feel like it.
Tulane is an oasis of normalcy in a bumfuck red state where voodoo dolls, greasy food, and guns outline their culture. Thankfully, these Bayou hillbillies place an overwhelming emphasis on the art of drinking yourself into a coma, in which Tulane students certainly follow suit.
Fraternities: Top are SAE, Sig Ep, AEPi, used to be Pike, and Sammy whose claim to fame is an alum who every bro aspires to be, Jerry Springer. Frat formals in Florida and Alabama are weekends of serious debauchery at beach locations where you can play beer bong and pop pills until you pass the fuck out in the sand.
At Night You Should
The Boot: This is THE Tulane bar mostly for freshman, go to 50 cent night on Tuesdays, and happy hour on Wednesday and Fridays
Grits and F&Ms: Two bars right next to each other, go on Thursdays and don't eat cheese fries late night. F&M’s is one of the few bars in Nola that acknowledges that the drinking age is 21+ but like most of the city's exclusive establishments, if you flash the bouncer a piece of construction paper with a handwritten date before 1991, they'll gladly allow you to flash your boobs atop their pool table.
Palms: For late night where everyone always ends up migrating at palms o clock aka 1am
Bourbon Street: It's fun for craziness and novelty but you don't actually go there more than like twice a semester because it's gross, except for a formal or something.
Pat O's: aka Frat O's is on Bourbon Street but technically doesn't count. Go on Saturday nights to the Piano Bar and get wasted off 1 hurricane drink and dance on tables and request songs.
During the Day You Should
Go to the Levee aka the Fly to drink and tan when it's nice out, aka all the time.
Drink daiquiris at the Daq Shack before any and all activities. Their drive thru window says all you need to know about Nola's attitude toward liquor laws.
Mardi Gras: Every betch you've ever met will visit for Mardi, all wearing the same purple gold and green American Apparel garb. The entire city including Tulane are all closed on Monday and Tuesday. A betch will brave Bourbon Street once her freshman year and every year after that party on a Bourbon St balcony. It’s suggested that you ignore your drunk munchies because the only available sustenance will be deep fried bacon wrapped shrimp covered in spicy mayo.
Halloween: A huge scene, much like Mardi Gras in that the only people not dressed up in ridiculous costumes are completely naked. Everyone parties on Frenchman Street downtown.
Jazzfest: A two weekend music festival in May. There are festivals like every weekend but this is the best one, and it's unfortunately always falls during finals but no one fucking cares.
Crawfest and Voodoo are two other events in which the purpose is to get weird as shit.
Where to Live
Freshman year: need to live on campus so try live in Sharp or Monroe. Get a doctor's note so you can live off campus soph year.
Thanks to the extreme amounts of alcohol, jambalaya, crawfish and gumbo that surrounds you in Nola the freshman 15 is known as the Tulane 20. You should never eat in Bruff, the freshman dining hall where with an unlimited mealplan and nasty food. If you ever do go there be sure to sneak in Diesel and chase with soda from the soda fountain.
Sake Cafe or Tokyo for sushi group dinners, Refuel for breakfast
Jacques-Imo's or Nola for expensive creole cuisine when your parents come to town
Things to do before you graduate:
- shroom in Audubon Park
- say ELLO! to Lewis outside the LBC
- have sex in the LBC
- take a pic with Scott Cowen
Most cultural thing you'll experience:
- hurricane parties
- alcoholic beverages that you can pay for with quarters
- stealing the street sign from Hollygrove where #97 Lil Wayne grew up
- mad hurricane evacuations and crimes