September 26, 2012
If you're hot, skinny, and love to get fucked up while getting a tan you're a betch who goes to University of Arizona. Now we know you don't have to be a Mensa scholar to attend this school, nor do you really have to get anything higher than a 1200 on your SATs (out of 2400), but this college is a breeding ground for betchiness. It's a place where having too many parties to attend is a valid excuse for an extension on a paper and not having enough Xanax to get through a class is a real reason not to go. And we're fairly certain this school's budget for 'pools and miscellaneous activities' is bigger than for classroom supplies. So if you're not going to an Ivy, a Vanderbilt, or a Wisconsin, or even an Indiana, you'll go to Arizona, and even though it'll take you a little extra time to graduate, you'll at least have had a fucking amazing time doing it.
Sororities: The majority of the sororities at Zona are made up of girls from Cali/Scottsdale and very few from the East Coast. Each pledge class is made up of a close knit group of about 60-80 betches who come together for chapter meetings to discuss important things like sisterhood and who's the blondest senior this year. Actually, the most productive thing that comes out of a any chapter meeting is a t-shirt design because they will make a shirt for everything. If someone blew their nose during an event there's a good chance that a t-shirt will be made.
We would do a breakdown of the sororities but bascially either your sorority gets really fucked up or they don't go out. Oh and everyone's hair matches the color of their cocaine, except DG they're brunettes.
Fraternities: Good for drugs and date-dashes. And if you were ever wondering what a meth lab looks like, check out the basement of any fraternity, because it used to be one.
Every frat is basically kicked off ...that said, we're still not doing a frat breakdown because if you can't figure out how to have fun at this school then you're a huge fugly loser.
During the Day You Should:
Tan until your skin is as leathery as the pleather bags in the only store in the Tucson mall, Forever 21.
Shopping on University is cool too if you want to be in the same unique outfit as everyone else. If you're in the mood to lose all sense of fashion Tucson is the perfect place to go. OMG is that a Donni Charm trunk show at your sorority house? Scarves are SO necessary for Zona students, where the temperature is rarely below 90 degrees.
Bong rips before class are highly encouraged.
Getting a spot at Frog & Firkin for game-days is key, especially now that they take catcard.
Attend a pool party at Casino de Sol, the Indian Casino.
Purchase weed from any of the 1 in 5 people who sell it.
At Night You Should:
If it's Friday and you're not drowning in a sugary fish bowl at Fuku then you might as well have not starved yourself all week.
Every good night ends at Dirtbags, where the bouncers allegedly accept drugs and money from minors. Their speciality shots include "scooby snacks" and "rubber duckies." The bartenders will never reveal the actual contents of a "rubber duckie" but we know half-n-half is somewhere in the mix. It's really good until you vomit. Dirtbags is an irresistible place to go despite its locker room stench and that it plays the same four songs on repeat. If your name is Caroline you better expect to be pointed at every time Sweet Caroline comes on.
Where to Live:
East Coast betches flock to The Standard. It's like low-income housing for JABS, but the pool is pretty sweet. Just make sure to get tested after going in for a refreshing dip.
If you're a sorority girl and live in a sleeping porch that just sucks.
District apartments are good.
North Point is more like gun point, and The Seasons is not much better, and both are really far. The village is really nice, but that professor who lives across the street will call the cops within minutes of any party.
And if you live in a dorm after freshman year you should keep that to your fucking self.
Date dashes, bar golf, Fuku fridays, Zenrock Thursdays, game-days, homecoming, Fiji Islander, 4th ave street fair (Turkey legs yay, but ew!), 9fest concerts, Vegas or LA for every long weekend especially Halloween or Memorial Day, and last but not least SAE's Jungle Party.
Cabo, Acapulco, Rocky point
It's cool to be an IceCat groupie because the players throw fun parties and are generous with their drugs. It's the only sports team where the players have money and a house in the foothills, so it will pay off to root for them and pretend like you care.
Guac, guac, and uh guac. "We may not look like Mexicans, but we will sure as hell eat like one," might as well be the Zona motto. However guac all day everyday is not the best way to stay thin for the year-long-season of pool parties so eating it as a side to your adderall will suffice. Also, Pinkberry is on your meal plan.
Things To Do Before You Graduate:
Photo shoots in the mountains, Dirtbags, and on campus. Get all your besties together and perfect the elbow-out-skinny-arm pose.
Take advantage of Bursars. Load up on Ray Bans, Toms, and Clinique products.
Most Cultural Thing You'll Experience:
Cali weed, the occasional appearance of Border Patrol on campus, the bus signs that say, "Meth: It's Our Problem," and physically dying during tailgates.
Tucson is sketchy and a pain in the ass to get to.
You have a 50% chance of graduating on time and a 50% chance of gaining a roxy addiction.