Betches Love This College: University of Maryland

By The Betches

For today's edition of Betches Love This College we bring you a school that could probably make it to the Rose Bowl as many times as Wisconsin, if only drug use were an official NCAA sport. Known for its betchy alumni Giuliana Rancic and Larry David, it's great to be a Terp because you'll probably be too busy clowning and/or on ecstasy for such a large portion of your 4-5 years here that you won't even realize you're allowing yourself to live in the unbetchy but really fun shithole that is College Park.

The People

Out-of-Staters: Anyone not from Maryland, basically comes from New York, New Jersey, the main line, and Florida aka all the Jews. Everyone from out of state tries to live on North Campus, in either Elkton or Easton. These dorms are shit holes but, that’s where they flock to. (There may or may not be a new freshmen dorm that has opened, if so great, if not, don't care).

In State: Unless you’re from select places in Maryland (Pikesville, Montgomery County), you’re usually pretty redneck. “Eastern Shore” (no one from outside of MD actually knows where this is) has some real interesting Southern-ness to it.. there’s a lot of like camouflage and Maryland clothing going on.

Freshmen Connection: The not-as-smart people that Maryland convinces to pay full tuition to live off-campus freshmen year. This program is a joke - these kids get to live off campus with mostly other freshmen and because it is sort of a “lesser” acceptance, all their classes start at like 4pm...not a problem. Also some people get to live in Varsity which is nicer than where most people will ever live...ever.

South Campus: South Campus is for religious Jews, athletes, and GDIs. These are actually nicer, better located dorms but no one really cares.

Athletes: Athletes are also treated like royalty at UMD. They have joke schedules, get scooters, clothes, and tons of money towards tuition. Basketball, football, and lacrosse players are notorious for hooking up with a shit ton of girls, and having STDs. Club hockey and club lacrosse are total bros and have socials with sororities, and the girls get sooo excited to not be hanging out with the same frat scene, but these socials never really go over well.

Greek Life: It's definitely crucial to be in Greek life at Maryland as that's where the betchiest social events are going on. Common events are #149 themed parties, grab a date, a bitch and a bottle.


Jewish sororities are full of your standard JABs from NY and NJ and are known for their Chanel bags, and love of molly. These sororities include AEPhi, PhiSig, and DPhiE for stoner betches.

The gentile sororities worth drinking Zelko with are Alpha Phi, KD, Tri Delt.


The #86 fraternities are pretty split between NY/NJ/Philly kids and then like southern Marylanders. The “best” frats, both on campus and off are Pike, ZBT, SAM (all kicked off), Fiji, Delta Chi, Sigma Chi, TKE, AEPi. Every frat house has a weird #9 nickname (like New P, Complex, Burn, Tep House, Slag, Theos, Yellow, Middle, Safe House, Pool get it), and if you don't know which house each refers to, you're probably a nicegirl or like a freshman.

Redneck Frats include Phi Delt, Sigma Chi (like sperrys and khakis), KA

Night Life 

Weeknights consist of pregames at frats followed by going to the bars. Bentley’s is where GDIs mostly hang out, and it has sand in the front random, like the GDIs. Cornerstone is always full on any given night, especially Sundays for drafts. Big Play is new this year, and is becoming the Thursday night bar. Tuesday is always Loose Tuesday at the Barking Dog sponsored by ZBT, but on any other night you can find the athletes hanging there if they don’t have a game the next day.

Cornerstone - The longest standing bar in CP.. hit or miss, some nights it will be quite “cultured” and be filled with locals. Other nights, it’s filled with GDIs. Sunday night is for “Big Ass Drafts” (Drafts), Thursday and Saturday are decently filled with Greek life.

Bentleys - The athletes’ bar and the country Marylanders, you can smell the stench from this sweatbox down the street. Also a big happy hour place.

Santa Fe aka “Fe” - Literally the only decent place in College Park, which was obviously shut down for not meeting fire code. Once a semester, there will be a rumor that Fe is coming back, it is now under construction to open by the end of the semester and everyone is flipping their shit over it. There would randomly be live bands like DMB or Sublime cover band, but that didn’t matter. Most commonly heard phrase: “Ugh, I wish Fe was open.”

Thirsty Turtle aka “Turtle” - Really never knew what you were gonna get at Turtle. The upstairs was a huge grind fest dance floor. "Celebs" like Pauly D performed there. For a good blackout, you could always count on Turtle. Obviously Turtle was shut down for underage drinking and a stabbing outside, and was replaced with The Barking Dog.

Barking Dog - Known for Loose Tuesday, this is where the Thirsty Turtle used to be and looks exactly like it. Also an athlete's spot.

The Mark - The “club” in College Park. Phi Sig, ZBT, and SAMs favorite spot. Also a big spot for grab-a-dates. Also obviously shut down (same owner as Fe), not sure what replaced it/if anything.

Big Play - This is the newest bar, and like we said above, becoming the Thursday spot.

What To Do During The Day

Day drinking / tailgating is what you'll do all weekend. Whether there’s a home game or not, there will be some reason to have a day drink, aka any day above 70 degrees.

Sit on “the Greek Path”-- the path that anyone living off campus/Greek housing needs to cross in order to get to campus to class; during the week you will see everyone you’ve ever known here, so look hot.

Eat Sit outside while wearing sunglasses at Cornerstone for happy hour.

Waste time between classes at Stamp (student center) but only if you really have nothing better to do and it's a weekday and your class was randomly mandatory.

Although Maryland is notorious for being the school where students rarely study, if it's finals time you might want to go check out the scene on floors 2 or 4 of McKeldin or anywhere in VanMunch.

Sports (or lack thereof)

Maryland kids in Greek Life semi-pretend to care about sports, but in actuality blackout before any sporting event actually takes place. GDIs are really into sports, but the football and basketball teams basically suck.

Football season is great, but for the #12 tailgates and not for the actual sport. If you’re tailgating, getting a ticket is a waste of time because no one would ever leave a tailgate to watch the football team. Basketball games are actually worth going to. The UMD student section is loud and obnoxious, and the team is hot as fuck. Soccer should attract a big crowd because UMD is highly ranked, but the hot players don’t hurt either.


Ratsies - Drunk pizza, mozz sticks

Shanghai - Gross Chinese food that you’ll shamefully love

Bagel Place - Shitty bagels that you pretend to love just because there is nowhere else to really get breakfast in CP (also a huge sunday morning regrets scene)

Hanami - Betches' sushi haven.

DP Dough - Your freshman year savior, until you hear the rumor that each calzone is made with a full stick of butter.

North Campus Diner - When you’re forced to eat there, you hate it. When you move away from North Campus, you’ll do just about anything for a pledge to bring you a buff chick wrap with their diner points.

Ledo’s - They built a parking garage and decided to put this Italian restaurant underneath it. It's the only reasonable place to bring your parents.

Yogiberry - Obviously made a killing as the only froyo place in CP.

College Park Liquors - Owned by a crazy Asian woman, Sue. No matter what you buy, she’ll offer you lemons or cups.

Where To Live

Easton/Elkton: North Campus picks for freshmen

Hartwick/Knox: Apartments for upperclassmen

Off campus houses Are also all the rage these days

Commons apartments: GDIs and religious people

Spring Break

It was Acapulco before all those murders and you know, wars started happening. Now it’s Punta Cana.


Everyone goes in the spring to the usual locations, Barcelona, Rome, Tel Aviv, Australia, etc.

Things to do before you graduate

Go to Drafts on a Sunday to get your Cornerstone mug

Jump in the fountain on the mall, smoke on the mall

Wait outside for hours to get into a Duke or UNC basketball game (or just cut the line)

Sex in the stacks in McKeldin

Tradition to rub Testudo’s nose for good luck (tests, games, trying not to fuck a bro)

Most Cultural Thing You'll Experience

- PG County locals hanging out outside the bar or “Dark night” at cornerstone

- One day senior year, you and your friends will decide it’s pretty fucked up you haven’t been to the monuments in DC yet so you’ll all pile on the metro and go. And then stare at a building for 2 minutes, and then go get #161 brunch.


- Anyone who signs up for UMD Crime Alerts has their phone going off constantly

- College Park basically fucking sucks




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