September 30, 2012
If you have a pulse, walk on two legs, and live in the continental United States, you either went to Michigan or know someone who does. With a teeming undergraduate population of close to 30,000, the odds are ever in your favor of being 1-2 degrees of separation from a Michigan alum.
Located 40 minutes away from the Dirty D—that’s Detroit, mothafucka—Ann Arbor houses a student body more loyal to its university than the Nazis were to Hitler. At a school where enthusiasm is more infectious than an HIV patient, not being pro-Michigan is like not having a soul.
In-staters: In-staters are, incidentally, those students that hail from the state of Michigan. They pay approximately 5 dollars annually and can’t fathom why anyone out-of-state would pay close to $40,000 to attend. If you can’t understand why this would be infuriating to the out-of-stater, look at this way: it’s like formerly being the most popular kid in your high school, I mean local-celebrity-status, and having no one recognize you after graduation.
Note: Bloomfield Hills betches are an exception to the in-state rule. All JAB out-of-staters want to find a friend from Bloomfield so they can go for Rosh Hashana or break fast dinner and pretend they branched out in college.
Out-of-staters: So then, you guessed it, the out-of-staters are indeed from those lesser known areas outside of Michigan--namely, Long Island. Out-of-staters are very proud of their non-Michigan resident status since it means they're paying extra to go there and this also implies that they like, had to fucking do something of note to get in.
North Campus Aliens: North Campus is the Alcatraz of Michigan because quite frankly, you might as well be in prison with no chance of escaping (without a doctor's note). Having only been there once and that was just to see it, it’s safe to say that North Campus is just as bad as they say. Isolated from the rest of the student population and the entire Michigan culture you waited all four years of high school to experience, North Campus boasts...nothing at all.
The Greeks: While Michigan is too big of a school to say that “most” people are involved in greek life, it’s safe to say that anyone we care about is. For many girls, lining up like cattle outside of each sorority house during Rush is the defining moment of their freshmen year. For many guys, being so close to death during Hell Week is what defines their most memorable first year days.
The Athletes: Much like a celebrity or a mythical deity, athletes at Michigan are feared, respected, desired, and worshipped. Denard Robinson is almost influential enough to convert us to his belief in sobriety. Almost. Seriously, forget about everything else, being an athlete will grant you an all-access pass to any bar, social event, or vagina. Just ask Michael Phelps.
The Ivy League Rejects: A sizable chunk of Michigan’s undergraduate population finds itself at this University after receiving the dreaded rejection or deferral from an Ivy League institution. These losers spend their days professing their belief in “fate” and how they’re like, so glad they ended up at Michigan because like, Cornell has really high suicide rates.
The How-The-Fuck-Did-I-Get-In-Here’s: From the dawn of time, high school classrooms have been disrupted all over the country on the day that students receive their letters from the University of Michigan, confirming or denying their admittance. The pandemonium of such high school classrooms comes not from those students who knew they’d get in from the start, but from those students who applied to Michigan “for fun,” knowing full well that their C average wasn’t going to cut it. But alas, with every year comes a whole new set of surprise acceptances and suddenly these little-engines-that-could are waving their acceptance letters around frantically like it’s the golden ticket.
The Ross Kids: You’ll know if someone was in the B-school because they’ll tell you…within a nanosecond of meeting them. While they’re not all douche-y, those who say they went to “Ross” as opposed to “Michigan” are the douchiest of them all (for more on this, see Kelley Kids at Indiana University). Ross kids enjoy their own special school building equipped with…well, don't know because you need some special ID to use their “facilities” – but I imagine the inside to closely resemble Versailles or like, a really expensive health club. You can also spot a B-schooler by the bitter look on their face that is the result of their inability to go #3 abroad. Cue the violins.
Sororoties: Top are Theta, Kappa, Tri Delt, SDT, Alpha Phi, Sigma Kappa, Chi O.
Fraternities: Phi Psi, Psi U, Sig, Theta Chi, AEPi, SAE, Sammy, ZBT.
During the Day You Should
Look outside. Is it nice out? If it is, fucking get dressed and get outside because a nice, warm day in Michigan comes around about as often as talking koala.
- The Arb, a huge Arboretum filled with various walking/running trails, nature sightings, rivers, etc. The Arb is a great place to get lost in, especially if you’re shrooming and in the mood to contemplate life’s natural wonders, like trees or marijuana. You can also go on a nice run through the Arb but then again you can also kill yourself, because who’s spending the one nice day of the year exercising?
- The Diag, the epicenter of Umich, to people watch. If you’re lucky, you might even get to see a free anti-masturbation rant or jump in a moonbounce provided by a Jews for Jesus fundraising committee.
- Sit outside at Charley’s with the best looking of your friends, don designer sunglasses, and drink massive fishbowls. You might want to rethink that hamburger and fries though since passersby can see what you’re eating.
Look outside. Is it dark? Gray? Snowing? Blizzarding? That’s the Michigan we know and love. Put on your sluttiest chunky sweater and head to “the libe.”
Ugli ("undergraduate library"): Studious betches go here to see and be seen, and choosing which floor you sit on is about as important as choosing your career. Go to the third floor if you’re looking for “quiet” aka fewer tables, or if you’d like to see a live Greek who hails from a frat or sorority. For a more diverse social hour, check out the 4th floor where a window table is as coveted as Rose’s heart of the ocean necklace and a spot in the main room off the elevators is as loud and rambunctious as a heavy metal concert. Also, while you’re up on the 4th floor, be sure to check out Pedophile Pete – you can’t miss him. He’s the fat bald guy sitting at that random Mac desktop right off the elevator, video chatting with a 12 year old Asian girl.
The Grad or Ref Room: Go to the Grad or Ref Room if you have a hankering for a Hogwarts-esque experience. While I personally feel that the ref room is more suitable for a Thanksgiving dinner venue with goblets of wine or fire and Dumbledore regaling us with tales about the pilgrims, many Michigan students seek refuge here since silence is mandatory.
At Night You Should
Ann Arbor is home to a slew of bars and clubs but only two of them are regularly frequented: Ricks and Skeeps. Instead, betches turn their cheeks to any bar outside of these two, opting to wait on meandering caterpillar lines that often extend as far back as the parking structure. This may not seem like a big deal but it can be fucking hunger-games-status when it’s the dead of winter, negative 16 degrees, and you’re wearing a tank top and mini skirt. “Omg, next time I am TOTALLY wearing a jacket,” says the slut online wearing tissue paper taped to her nipples and a mini dish towel around her waist.
Scorekeepers aka Skeeps: Go to Skeeps….any night of the week. Whether you want to dance on that little 2x4 of a stage, watch the game (ew), eat (EW), play flip cup upstairs or wait by the bar for that hot guy to notice you, there’s always something for you to do. Skeeps is the backdrop for every betch's (lack of) college memories, since nearly ¾ of the week is spent within its confines. If you're in Alpha Phi/Tri Delt/Theta Chi, chill at the upstairs bar, and if you're a JAB be sure to migrate to the "Jew corner" located between the bar and the dance floor. Wherever you hang out get a Skeeps card - for a mere $1000 tab, totally worth it. Caveat: Don’t be THAT freshman who’s way overdressed - it’s a bar, not a bar-mitzvah.
Rick’s: The Friday night spot of Michigan seniors. Notoriously hard on IDs, Rick’s is reserved for those of-age and is therefore a rite of passage for the Wolverine. Go to Rick’s to “meet new people” aka hook up with some random British guy on the dance floor, only to go home with that same kid in AEPi you fuck on the reg.
Studio/Dream: RIP. Later renamed Dream, Studio Thursdays were the night to get wasted, dance like you’re an epileptic undergoing an episode, vomit in a nearby booth, and later fuck a senior guy in your twin sized bed in Lloyd. The shitshow of all shitshows, every alum betch remembers Studio as the favorite Thursday night spot for freshmen and middle-aged rapists alike.
The rest of the bars exist are not nearly as frequently attended. Most notable: Heidelberg (drink a boot), Cavern (still don’t know what the fuck goes on here), Circus, Ashley’s, Blue Leprechaun (formerly Touchdowns), and Fifth Quarter.
Hash Bash: A somewhat culturally significant movement, Ann Arbor natives crawl out of their sewers once a year to embrace their hippie roots and smoke weed out in the open. Somewhere down the line, this evolved into a University of Michigan tradition whereby everyone gets high via edibles, bongs, bowls, blunts, and other associated paraphernalia. Frats are gracious hosts to many hash bash open-houses where all are invited to try a brownie or six and celebrate the holiday.
Football Pregames: A staple in the Wolverines week is Saturday football pregames, complete with shots (of all varieties), wine-chugging, beer bongs, booming music, etc. Notable pregame spots include the AEPi house, the Brownstones, PSiU, Phi Si, and just about any vacant spot of land on SouthU, Hill, Church, State, etc. Many Wolverines rip shots at 7 in the morning to pregame just for the pregame, with no intention of going to the game. Girls in particular are big fans of the pregames since a) boys make sure to blast songs that will make girls want to have sex (i.e. Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You) and b) they can finally be a part of a sports event without having to like, actually like sports.
Sports: Hockey, Basketball games
Halloween: The one thing Wisco is better at.
Spring semester, all the standard European spots + Australia + Israel + Buenos Aires
Where to Live
Zaragon: luxury apartment complex, prime real estate (close to diag, classes, etc.)
Landmark: newer luxury building on SouthU. Part of Ann Arbor’s effort to compete with “real” cities.
Couzens, Lloyd, Markley: must live in one of these spots on The Hill freshman year. If you live on North Campus or any area with the word “Quad” in its name—congratulations, consider yourself invisible.
Post/Forest Place: standard holding-cell apartments until you go abroad and move to a house on Oakland/Church senior year.
Punta Cana, Puerta Vallarta
NYPD: Michigan Salads. The only salad that’s proprietary to a U.S. state. Also the only salad that’s more fattening than pizza. A favorite of girls for late-night consumption.
Pizza House: Great big, fluffy chapati breadbowls that are, in itself, a reason to visit once you graduate.
Sadako: shitty sushi that you’re convinced is amazing for all four years of college. Don’t dine-in unless you’re in the mood for a scene.
No Thai: self explanatory
Angelo’s: for breakfast. Very long waits. Only go when you have nothing to do for the next 6 hours but contemplate how hungover you are.
Zingerman’s: arguably a Wolverine’s favorite food in the world.
Main Street: for a “nice” dinner
Things to Do Before You Graduate
- Break into the Big House
- Trip on an illicit drug in the Arb
- Have sex in the stacks
- Hook up with a hot GDI
Most Cultural Thing You’ll Experience
- Stare at the new University of Michigan Museum of Art on State Street and tell yourself everyday that you’re going to devote a day to go actually go inside and then...never do.
- Mingling with real live Ann Arbor hippies on Hash Bash
- Go to Detroit and experience “diversity” aka have a near-death experience and tell all your sheltered friends about it
- Regular daily crime alert emails from DPS detailing the latest rape, suicide, murder, hijacking, break-in, massacre, etc.
- Closest metropolitan city is Detroit where all bouncers are armed…you know, just in case.
- The tundra that is Michigan winter, a season that lasts ¾ of the year