September 19, 2012
For our next college installment, we bring you the University of Southern California. Found deep in the asshole of Los Angeles, lies an elite private school that continues to piss off the rest of the country as it rises in superiority in academics, athletics, aesthetics, and arrogance -- arrogance being key. We won’t even bother listing the famous alumni of this school, just pick your favorite celeb and guess what, they went here. And at the end of the day, regardless of where in Los Angeles it’s located, it’s still in Los Angeles, which any true betch would take over a ‘college town’ any day.
Due to all of these fine qualities in a school, SC attracts the betchiest of betches from across the country – majority from California, a large amount from Texas, but pretty much all the good states are accounted for (yes, you are excluded New Mexico). Being located in a city of 70-degree year-round weather, USC betches take their bikini bodies, tans, and waxes very seriously, never knowing when she’ll find herself by the pool at some mansion in Malibu being a part of Usher’s new music video.
The Row: Anyone who doesn’t say that The Row is the social center of the school is lying. From the first week betches cross the street for Rush with the frats camped out in lawn chairs in their yards until you’re ‘shotgun’ pinned by that same asshole sitting in that chair your senior year, The Row is a betch’s runway. If you’ve ever seen a movie or TV show about Greek life and wondered what it was based on, look no further.. it’s based on Frat Row at USC (if you don’t believe it, check credits.. 99% of these movies were made by USC alums). Fratty Fridays on The Row combine everything The Row holds most precious: bikinis, beer, beach volleyball, and drugs if you know where to find them…. If you signed up for a Friday class—nevermind, no need to finish this sentence, no betch would sign up for a Friday class.
Wardrobe: The best part about USC is that whether you are an incoming freshman wanting to rush or are a sophomore/junior/senior in a house, you are guaranteed a whole new wardrobe right off the bat. You are also gifted (kidding, you obviously prepay for these) with about 12 shirts/tanks that in some way have “INSERT SORORITY HERE Love” written on it in 12 different ways. No one ever throws any of these away. I mean what else would you wear to the gym other than a shirt that says “It doesn’t matter that I’m either on an elliptical not sweating or have been sitting here doing ‘crunches’ for 25 minutes…I’m in a top house"?
You’ll find the truest betches rivaling their way into one of the “Top 4” houses. However, the significance and dominance of Greek Life has caused the number of PNMs to double, while the small number of houses remains the same; therefore the number of quality betches that ‘slip through the cracks’ and are forced to become Alpha Betch among the wannabes is increasing, causing the other houses to close the gap in the ranks. Unfortunately, the reverse also holds true, and leaves the top houses with the occasional ‘slider’…. A term from the glory days when hazing still existed.. but yes, it means what you think it does. Don’t worry though, they keep these sliders locked up in the kitchen ‘timing’ during Rush as not to scare off the prospective betches.
DG – Often voted best DG chapter in the country, these girls are almost as obsessed with themselves as they are with winning the photo contest they are contracted into upon joining. The competition is to take the most photos of yourself and any combination of the following: anchors, DG Greek letters, sailor-themed anything, fellow DGs in bikinis, beaches, making hand signals of Greek letters, fake-sailor salute, fellow DG’s boyfriends, spelling out Greek letters with their bodies (bonus points if in bikinis, bonus bonus points if you dress like Popeye).
KAPPA – These betches don’t come to USC for their MRS degrees, because they’ll always have their dad's credit cards and their seven-figure trust funds. Be warned, they vet their girls by quality of country club memberships.
PI PHI – Regardless of any actual evidence, this house can’t quite escape its reputation from early 2000s as being the pretty, fake, alleged cokeheads from Orange County/LA. It’s interesting they can’t escape this as in recent years, it’s become fairly diverse and home to the few JABs that venture out of their northeastern bubble. However don’t be mistaken, Newport still rules this house; and it’s no secret those betches know how to party… some better than others (others being the ones you see being escorted home by DPS or passed out on the lawn).
THETA – These are your closet sluts, who hide behind pearls, fake glasses, and super chic “study wear.” Some are actually smart, most just pretend, but impressively their greatest pride is having the highest GPA on the Row… as is evidenced by the “Study with Theta” shirts to lamely rival the “Party with Pi Phi” tanks (while equally embarrassing, at least the alliteration is aesthetically pleasing, and doesn’t make guys wearing them look like a huge tool.)
Due to the fraternities’ hardcore ability to party (i.e. setting their own house on fire, advertising a 4/20 party, or stupidly letting girls drink communal jungle juice), and therefore the resulting suspensions, the ranking of top houses fluctuates from year to year. Here is a general overview.
SAE – Tries its hardest to live up to nation-wide SAE standards, you’ll find your Texas boys obsessed with America and country music…in jorts…ironically?
SIGMA CHI – Must be either a) from Southern California, b) play beach volleyball, or c) have recently bought out American Apparel’s neon collection.
AEPI – Your go-to house for LA Jewish boys who surprisingly have a hard time meeting their Andy Samberg quota, due to somehow convincing goyim to join their house. Nonetheless, the amount of betches that love a good highlighter party and “just want to dance” keeps this house as one of the Row’s favs.
PHI PSI – Kings of the ultimate comeback… suspension after suspension after suspension... These guys definitely know how to party and tend to attract the football players and now also proudly claim The Hunger Games’ very own Alexander Ludwig.
LAMBDA CHI – Formerly referred to as a "social club," this house of douchey Harvard Westlake, Euros, and volleyball stars are the losers of the ultimate comeback. Sooo..not really sure where this one stands.
Specifically not mentioning Pike, for those of you who are wondering about Rob Kardashian’s fraternity…off the Row, off the radar.
GDIs: They can be divided into 2 categories: actual GDIs, and people who either missed out on rushing or didn’t get into a house, and now, pretend it was by choice and call themselves GDIs.
At Night You Should
Despite popular stereotypes of USC betches, most tend to stick close to home unless it is a special occasion warranting a visit into Hollywood. These occasions include but are not limited to, birthday parties, a USC function at a Hollywood club, or a call from a promoter desperate for hot girls to attend a club opening.
There are two options at night (well, three if you’re old enough/brave enough to venture downtown…)
OPTION 1: The 901 Bar and Grill (affectionately known as: the 90, the 9Hole, and/or literally the only bar within walking distance) is a true college bar in that it’s absolutely intolerable unless you are blacked out. And every good betch knows it doesn’t really close at two.
OPTION 2: Frat Parties… while the larger parties are reserved for Tuesday and Thursday nights, you can pretty much find at least one group of frat bros partying either in upper class off-the-Row housing and/or just hidden inside of the frats (due to USC regulations). The popular betches are also the first to know about any given fraternity’s “Date Dash” – usually held somewhere off campus and almost always involving sake bombing, karaoke, and at some point, a game of Edward 40hands.
OPTION 3: Downtown is slowly building itself up to have a decent amount of fun dinner restaurants and bars. Some USC favorites include but are not limited to: Standard Rooftop, El Cholo, Bottega Louie, Seven and Grand, Casey’s, Library Bar, Edison (when you feel like putting on your fancy shoes… no really, you can’t get in without nice shoes)... and also LA Live can provide can provide a few kicks now and then.
Game Days: In a school full of people who proudly display their superiority in all areas of life, football game days are their shining moment. Current students and alumni alike, and anyone who happens to have any connections to anyone who likes USC, bring a whole new meaning to tailgating on campus. What other occasion does a betch have to show how good she looks with a USC bow in her hair and stickers all over her face?
Weekender: When everyone travels to San Francisco for either the Stanford or Berkeley vs. USC game (whichever happens to be away that year). This is really just an occasion for a betch to go to a new location that warrants pictures in the few pieces of winter chic clothes she owns and is never able to wear.
Frat Formals: Spring. Vegas. Bros. Blow.
Before you graduate, you should:
- Fountain Run
- Jump off the high dive at the pool
- take a picture riding the DPS segways
- drink enough AMFs at the 90 that you wake up to pictures of yourself sticking out your blue tongue
Here’s the thing about food – USC betches don’t eat…in public. Then again, why would you need to when all of the sorority houses each have their own personal chefs serving every meal? Oh, and did we mention those chefs have been employed by actual celebrities. For the occasions that warrant a betch’s dinner out…by the time this post goes up, the coolest restaurants to find a betch at will have already changed. That’s just LA.
And if you do happen to be on campus not eating, make sure to be seen on the steps in front of Tutor with a group of girls and your sorority bag propped up right with letters in plain sight.
Disclaimer: froyo is acceptable if and only if you didn’t have time to go back to the Row in between your classes.
People go during spring semester junior year, but there are just as many betches diversifying themselves abroad as there are staking out the territory back home.
Cabo, Cabo, or you could go to Cabo.
-Being so obsessed with your school that you can't come up with any