July 11, 2012
So yes, last week we had "southern school" Duke, but let’s talk for a minute about Vanderbilt, known as the “Harvard of Tennessee" to fucking boring people who actually care about useless analogies. Really, all that matters is that Vanderbilt has all the elements of a betch’s social orbit: Bros like Jay Cutler (former Vandy football player) and #52 gay BFFs (Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt). Vandy is a playground for elitist betches who like to tailgate and like, maybe wear Lilly Pulitzer or pearls.
Sororities: Top-tier is obviously Theta, Kappa, Tridelt. According to some frat bros, the rest don’t matter and/or are fatties. Zeta is brand new, and will get socialized all right, a little slice like you. Just kidding. Betches hate branching out…Zeta is like, so random and emo.
Frats: You can’t mention fraternities in the same breath without KTS—the nickname for a mythical, fire-breathing dragon aka the administration who cancels the spring fling aka frat parties.
SAEs are “southern gentlemen” who literally live in a frat castle, although no longer because their alumni rage too hard and break shit. KA has their porch, ciggies, and a raging boner for Robert E. Lee/The Confederacy. They also have a really fucking weird spring formal called Old South, brothers who like to smash car windows, and annoying nice girl Taylor Swift’s little brother, Austin Swift.
Freshmen Betches choose which frats they want to play at, oftentimes in order to get into a certain sorority. Upperclassmen betches usually frequent whichever frats their freshman guy friends rushed, or wherever they can get free hard liquor. WASBs like SAE, while JABs can find bros who like dubstep and weed at Pike and AEPi. and If you consider yourself a “groupie” somewhere, you’re probably a WGG.
Spring Formals: Betches live for spring formals, and get really fucking crazy over cooler painting. If a betch is acting like she’s on bath salts, she is probably just high off of Mod Podge. Spring formal is the only time it’s excusable for a betch to go near Panama City Beach, Florida.
Side note: Fraternities play fucking musical chairs with their houses—Pi Phi got the old Pike house, which was the Woman’s center which is now the new Zeta house, SAE is moving into ZBT, etc. etc.
During the Day You Should
During the fall: Tailgate, in any way shape or form. If you have no fucking clue how great a Vanderbilt tailgate is, google the phrase “a tradition called raging.” Betches can be found “getting elevated,” aka dancing drunkenly on a frat’s porch and/or patio, clutching a bottle of Andre. If you’re not decked out in your “[Insert sorority here] ♥’s our ‘Dores” sticker/croakies/Ray Ban knockoffs, then why the fuck did you even show up?
Usually a tailgate will lead into an evening football game, but no one goes to those except like VUceptors and Chacellor Zeppos. Maybe a betch will go to a football game so she can Instagram a photo of herself with her besties.
Springtime: Fraternities will have day parties—even if it is for some random totem pole object they have (Hi, Kappa Sig). Also, make sure you go pontooning with a frat. Yes, the lake is gross, but you can get wasted on a fucking boat.
If you must study, which you shouldn't because betches don't #36 do work, you should go to Central Library but mostly betches just use this place to do lines in the bathroom. Studying hard never seemed so fun.
Frugal Mcdougals is this huge alcohol warehouse where everyone goes no matter 21 or younger and everytime you go you'll see everyone and their mother so make sure you don't look like shit. For the underage betch, you should know that you can get your 5 year old cousin to draw a doodle of you on an index card and they will still sell you alcohol.
The Stage and the Big Bang are the two best/main bars downtown. For the Gwyneth/Blair Waldorf fans you should know that the Stage is where Leighton and Garrett first sing in Country Strong...so you know it's good. DT is like a ten minute cab ride and people go like 2-4 nights a week. Some of it is sketch as shit it's like where all the honkey tonk bars. That's where you'll find your typical array of collegetown hobos.
Until the end of sophomore year, betches will throw themselves into theme parties. Every day really is like fucking Halloween—you can dress up slutty for Pikes of the Caribbean, Sigma School Girls, SAE Jungle, Beta 54, or Kappa Sig Whiteout.
Usually by the time a betch is 21 or has a really good fake, she is over the “frat scene” and moves onto more sophisticated watering holes.
Monday: Go to Flying Saucer, and pretend you know the difference between the 100+ beers they have. Be prepared to see every other member of the senior class.
Tuesday: Sportsmans, and hear everyone bitch about the line to get upstairs. Betches don’t wait in lines. Go to Jed’s.
Wednesday: Frats usually have stuff. Or pregame at Cabana for Girl’s Night Out and join your GBFF at Play and marvel at the RuPaul drag queen wannabes.
Thursday: Frats host something together, or Demonbreun will usually provide you entertainment in the form of Dan’s/Tin Roof/Rooster. See “Insert Frat here & Friends” on Facebook for your social calendar. Maybe some rando dub-steppy sounding bar that you’ve never heard of downtown (ie Induldge, Liquid, etc). Yes, we all miss Hollywood Disco and it’s Rubik’s cube-y floor, but get the fuck over it. If you still think Dooley’s/Varsity Grille/Toofurs is relevant, you’re obvi white trash.
Friday: Younger betches go to frats, older betches do the Rippy’s/Paradise Park/Honky Tonk Central circuit on Broadway, and pretend you know all the lyrics to “Family Tradition.” Don’t touch the Nashtrash; they will bite.
Saturday: Repeat. Head over to Lonnie’s after 1 A.M. and square off with the annoying hostess who won’t let you sing 5 Cher songs in a row. Fucking rude.
Freshmen have to live on Commons, where they basically force you to socialize with nicegirls, but at least there is an Estrogym where you can elliptical and read your US Weekly in between class. Ride the Vandy Van everywhere, and become drunk friends with Gabe.
Be prepared to have the Towers security guards judge you and be annoying in general, and make best friends with the Munchie Mart employees, who usually provide great material for Overheard at Vanderbilt.
Rites of Spring: Rites of Spring is a great excuse to have a crawfish boil, but really just evolves into Tailgate 2.0. During Rites, betches will flock to Alumni Lawn where they can be serenaded by T.I., Kid Cudi, and Wiz Khalifa, all on the card (a.k.a Monopoly Money).
Homecoming: Flirt with hot alumni, and get them to buy you a drink at Whiskey Kitchen or Patterson house. Sometimes you will forgo the Homecoming concert for a pregame (if My Morning Jacket is the headliner) or actually go (Lil Wayne, obvi).
Parent’s Weekend: Did we mention that Jill Zarin’s daughter goes to Vandy? Lots of fake boobs and betchy moms to be seen. Get your parents to take you to Green Hills and then take them to Holland House/The Pharmacy/Cat Bird Seat for classy as fuck drinks and small plates. It’s no surprise that Nordstrom scheduled its grand opening for Vanderbilt Parent’s Weekend. Coincidence? We think not.
Black Monday: Sorority rush is kind of a big fucking deal at Vanderbilt. You don’t go out for a week, and like go see shitty romantic comedies at Green Hills Mall with your sisters. Then you can never listen to a Taylor Swift song without replacing the lyrics in your head. And then, Black Monday happens. And you won’t remember any of it.
Fall Break: Go to Gulf Shores and buy really ugly spray-paint frat tanks that say “YOLO” to wear ironically. Or go to some cabin in Gatlinburg with your fave bros.
Senior Beach Week: Basically like all Fall Breaks, but with everyone—even fugly randoms—on the beach in Destin.
Abroad: Many southern betches don't study abroad but those who do go in the Fall. JABs who study abroad go in the Spring with the rest of them.
A lot of Vandy betches and bros also like to make the pilgrimage to Mardi Gras to visit their Tulane besties.
Pinkberry vs. Yogurt Oasis vs. Sweet Cece’s: Vanderbetches have froyo down to a science. Pinkberry is closer to Towers and Hot Yoga, but Sweet Cece’s has fucking amazing toppings. (not that you’re eating them.) Everyone knows that Yogurt Oasis died in like 2010, and is ghetto as fuck with chairs that look like they were dragged over from Chilis.
Ano Spots: Calypso and Bread & Co (aka Bread & Betch) provide you with your standard lettuce leaf variety.
Noshville is an obvious choice for brunch and allows you to never branch out. Don’t sit at the middle counter if you ever want to get served. Marche is a good choice if you want to be hipster.
Coffee: Now that they took away our fucking Starbucks in the SLC, betches have more of a trek for iced coffee. Fido is a great place to pretend to do work, or people watch wannabe musicians. Jake Gyll & TSwift had a date here, and Nicole Kidman apparently likes it.
On Campus: Branscomb Breakfast and Rand Brunch are for clueless freshmen, and people who like fucking gross, watery eggs. If you are going to eat anywhere on campus, go to Grin’s. while everyone else can eat PBG/Mexicali wraps, seved to them by ambiguously gay guys. Be prepared to wait in line for 40+ minutes with 80 million other betches in leggings as pants/workout clothes.
The Towers Munchie Mart, the Vandy Van, or some random Asian fundraiser in the SLC
Drawbacks: Shitty parking, southern hicks, VUPD outrageous crime alerts about forcible fondles, high student to squirrel ratio
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing