November 26, 2012
If you live under a rock or prefer not to waste two hours of your life, you probably have not seen Lindz and Dicks, the mockumentary of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton's marriage. Don't worry because you didn't even need to even see the "movie" to be able to tell anyone your thoughts on it. If anyone asks, chain smoke 8-10 cigarettes in under 5 minutes then croak I'M BORED! Somewhere sometime last year Elizabeth Taylor was like, Ugh, is a documentary of my life time really going to be a LIFETIME movie and am I REALLY going to be played by Lindsay fucking Lohan? They should've waited until I was dead...and then she died.
But really Lifetime, what was the point of this movie? To showcase a couple fighting, drinking, and throwing shit at walls? That happens every day on All My Children and like, at the zoo. Set partially in Rome and about a great love affair, they should've called it The Lizzy Taylor Movie. It's not necessarily Lindsay's fault, I mean we got as much from her as we did from Georgia Rule. But tell us this, when she said she studied for this part, did she study herself? I can totally imagine her being like, Elizabeth Taylor? Hmmm...Will I get to smoke cigs and overdose at least once? Yes? Okay I'm in.
To be fair-ish, the makeup artist did a great job making Lindsay look like Elizabeth but her vocal coaches were as competent as the writers. I meannn, she went in and out of her British accent more often than she did rehab. And the script? At least it stayed consistent with the majority of Lifetime movies in that it was absolutely hysterical when it wasn't boring as fuck. Let's take a look:
Liz's husband to Richard: What are you doing here!?
Richard: Oh I'm sleeping with your wife!
Liz: We can go to the pool
Richard: I dont need a pool I've got an entire ocean in you
::Takes pills with vodka::
Liz: You can go, this shouldnt take too long
"Ms. Taylor I couldn't afford you if I wanted you ...and I don't want you" - that guy from the Nanny
Liz: You could stand to lose a few pounds
Richard: Yes but at least mine doesn't all pool in my fingers miss pudgy digits
"Two bloody mary's please....Richard, I've ordered breakfast" - Liz
Liz's excellent doctor: I'm not sayings it's colon cancer, but I'm also not saying its not colon cancer.
And finally... "I'M SO BORED" - Liz Taylor, Me
Basically this script had less depth than an episode of Dora the Explorer. But enough about that, let's talk about the cream of this film, the acting. Shadily, my favorite character was actually Sybil, Richard's ex-wife. We assume she went unnoticed to most people because everyone was just waiting for Lindsay to fuck up or Richard to be called 'Dick' at least once, but not with us. Oh we noticed Sybil, from her skirt suits to her overacted fits of Welsh rage, she was by far our favorite to watch. What's Sybil going to bitch about next? Did Sybil get a new haircut? Omg Sybil, you're such a stage 5.
The entire movie I was like, where do I know Richard from? Naturally I IMDB'ed it and found out he was Cooter in True Blood. YES! One career and he gets to play a cooter and a dick. Glorious resume. But then he died and they showed Lindsay faint: she rolled her eyes and then just flopped, kind of like this movie.
Silly us, we mentioned that guy from the Nanny, how could we forget to mention the other amazing
appearances actors who can't get a job...Office's Creed and SATC's Steve, but sadly "Mahwanda" was nowhere to be found.
Honestly, what did people really expect from this? An Oscar worthy performance? It's fucking Lifetime. It's fucking Lindzlo. The makeup and jewelry were great, but besides playing a pretty decent 40-year-old, the main thing Lindsay did with this movie is get people to google what channel Lifetime is. Pretty impressive. Lindsay's next film should be the 40-Year-Old Slut. In a not so surprising twist, I do not want to see Antony and Cleopatra.