Betches Love This Music: The Weeknd

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

It’s about fucking time we give credit where credit is due, honoring a musician who’s on every betch’s studying playlist, undoubtedly Canada’s greatest export since Céline Dion. I’ll skip the lofty introductions. It’s The Weeknd.

You might be going, “Who tf is The Weeknd?” but I can promise you that you know him because you’ve smoked to his songs at at least one point in your life, whether you were aware of it or nah. Or if you don't smoke, you've def hooked up to either High for This, Wicked Games, or Coming Down. You might not recognize him by name, but I have no doubt you’d recognize his semi-high-pitched yet super seductive voice and nasty lyrics that would make even the sluttiest betch blush.

I’ll be the first to say it (or perhaps not the first, who knows): The Weeknd is a total ugly hot. Like idk wtf is going on with his hair and how or why it defies gravity, but when he sings about the million ways he could make me have orgasms inside orgasms tbh it just makes me want him to put his money where is mouth is (ha).

Sexual appeal aside, let’s talk about how any song with The Weeknd is a guaranteed hit. Who else but Abel (his actual name, fucking duh) could take an Ariana Grande song whose main message is basically “if you don’t fuck me hard enough I’m gonna find another SAB who will”—pretty creepy given that she has the face and body of a 16-year-old—and make it hot?

And you ever notice how all of a sudden nobody can ask you a simple yes-or-no question without adding “or nah” at the end? Yep, you guessed it, that’s all thanks to ya boy. Without The Weeknd’s feature on it, “Or Nah” (the song that taught every white person you know that phrase) would’ve just been some random Ty Dolla $ign song with a shitty Wiz Khalifa verse tacked on in the middle, and “or nah” would’ve faded into obscurity, never to be uttered by a Caucasian. You’re welcome.

Betches love the Weeknd because in addition to making great music for the 10% of the time we’re not raging, he’s a total bro who gives zero fucks. Like, to equate him to someone you know, he’s that guy who’s not that hot but gets a ton of hot girls (probably because he has a huge dick but that’s unconfirmed) and he’s like kind of a sleazeball cause he’s super graphic but for some reason he has a lot of friends? Yep, take that guy and mix him with a tortured soul and voilà. Need proof? Okay, here are some of his most bro-tastic lyrics.

I’m not the type to call you back tomorrow, but the way you wrap around me is a problem. – Or Nah

Oh I guess this would be a good time to mention that none of his music is SFW so, act accordingly. 

In my city I’m a young god / My pussy kill be so vicious. - Often

Tbh I’m not even sure what this means but I’m equal parts terrified and turned on.

From the morning to the evening / Complaints from the tenants / Got the walls kickin’ like they six months pregnant / Drinkin’ Alizé with our cereal for breakfast. – The Morning

Uhh, guys? I think The Weeknd is secretly our fourth roommate.

So let’s all raise a glass of lean to The Weeknd. May you continue to put out the best fucking music around (get it??).




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