November 7, 2011
In recent news, making bigger waves than the fat candidates for the Republican ticket, Justin Bieber has reportedly knocked up some 20 year-old and she has now given birth to his baby.
Now it's clear that Justin has a thing for slightly older women (in addition to Selena and Kim Kar, we're sure Chelsea Handler wouldn't mind giving up a glass of Belvedere for a steamy night with the Biebs), but we're rather skeptical that a bro who could literally fuck any girl he wanted between the ages of 12 and 42 would choose this trashy lip-ringed, cold-sored, fame whore loser to devirginize him. I mean, we're pretty sure the boy has a bigger fan base than Jesus Christ.
The whole story smells like a salad gone bad. Apparently she was brought in for a backstage meet-n-greet with Bieber and he invited her to fuck in the bathroom? The only thing that we believe about this is that the sex lasted for 30 seconds. Come on, why are you having sex with 16 year-olds in the first place? Like, first stop Bieber concert, next stop Suite Life of Zack and Cody set to see who my next baby daddy will be?
I mean it's totally possible that it's true, but at the same time the bitch is already accusing 2 other guys that they're the father. Her only basis of it being Bieber's is that the baby looks like him. Oh so now every kid born with a nice tan and a short stature is automatically Danny DeVito's?
Are we sure the Biebs didn't detect his name was fading from the spotlight and asked his publicist to drum up a plot to garner more beliebers? No way Justin hasn't noticed his increasing list of un-followers on Twitter because he retweets every fucking kid who likes his new album or has a birthday. We're sure Justin would pick a hotter baby mama or make an official claim that he's bisexual if he were trying to drum up some press.
We feel bad for Biebs though, and not just because his new haircut and earrings make him look like Sam Ronson. It's because while he's fending off claims that he fathered a child of a trashy slut as a result of his own rape, and there are now rumors circling his
girlfriend beard broke up with him.
Imagine if he really did have sex with his woman though. It would be like that time Britney revealed that she wasn't actually holding out for the former Queen of Pop, Justin Timberlake and had actually made a visit to the V-TM at the age of 14. Our worlds would be turned upside down.
Anyway, this hag looks like she's angling for a book deal, or at least a shot at reality TV. Are they looking for a Deena replacement on J-Shore? Perhaps MTV's coming out with a new competitive series called Who Can Rape America's Next Top Virgin?
To sum things up, if Justin Bieber tried to statutorily rape himself and drag us into his bathroom while spouting out the F-Bomb and told us to do him, in full honesty we can't say that we'd run the other way.
However, we're also not poor and fugly, so we'd Plan B that shit like faster than you can sing 'One Time'. As true beliebers, we think Justin's paternity test will prove this bitch to be just another psychotic whore and that he would never let something like ever this happen. Although if there's anything Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith have taught us, it's that you should Never say Never.