July 25, 2011
Finally, another scandal. We've been waiting.
So Gawker and the Daily Intel, clearly the only trustworthy news sources left, tell us that Rupert Murdoch's company News Corp, which owns everything, did a lot of fucked up shit to a lot of people.
One of the newspapers, British tabloid News of the World stole, among other things, a move right from Zoolander by doing whatever it took, no matter how many friends it lost or people it left dead and bloodied along the way, just so it could make a name for itself as an investigatory journalist.
Seriously, the paper hacked into hundreds of people's phones and voicemails, from celebs and supermodels, to politicians we've never heard of, to your average 13 year old girl who went missing and died.
But they committed their most serious offense when they tried to fuck with our favorite Brits: Prince Wills and Kate, Hugh Grant, Jude Law, Sienna Miller, her mom, some people in Parliament, ...their moms...
Not that we didn't hate them before, but it should be said now that betches hate tabloids. They are lowbrow. Maybe they'd be interesting if they were true, but again, betches don't believe in things that aren't real. Why go tabloid when you can go Perez?
Sure, betches love gossip and #53 shadiness. But we like shadiness from bros we're trying to not fuck, not from a multinational newspaper conglomerate. Also, the essence of shadiness is privacy. Privacy makes things exclusive, phone hacking negates this.
Rupert Murdoch is NOT a SAB, he's a scumbag.
Let's talk about two of the female characters involved, one hot and one
people are claiming is hot fugly.
Everyone's talking about this Rebekah Brooks. Tell me this woman isn't a fucking lioness. And the media are calling her attractive! And #9 nicknaming her a "red-haired temptress" who "seduced" Murdoch. Like, what? She's a full-on Lewinsky.
Whatever, this bitch had a lot of important jobs at News Corp, and we don't remember the specifics, but it was totally all her fault. Her hair is fucking FULL of secrets. And we hope we're not the first to say so.
But the real betch to come out of this story is Wendi Deng, Murdoch's "Tiger Wife" who's less than half his age and whom the media has already decided will be Charlie Sheen's next wife.
So some angry bro threw a shaving cream pie at her hubby while he was testifying at Parliament and she straight up clocked this guy in the face. That's badass, so we hit her up on Wikipedia, and not only could she have been a body double for Lucy Liu in Charlie's Angels, but she's an Ivy League betch who's rich on her own (otherwise we'd call her on golddigging, obvi), and she's also really fucking #5 skinny because she's a vegan. Talk about a diet where the only acceptable foods are so revolting that your only choice is not to eat.
So, betches hate this "News of the World." We like the name though, it reeks of narcissism. So betchy, we love that... Fortunately News of the World has been naturally selected out of the journalism space. Looks like the "news of the world" will have to come from someone else.
You're reading it now. Later, Murdick.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing