July 5, 2011
Even though it's frowned upon for a betch to be aware of world news, we realize there's a possibility that interesting shit occasionally happens to people outside of our bestie circle. Rare as these instances are, betches are rational beings and we understand that there's a time and a place to care about others. Stay alert betches, these occasions come around as frequently as Matthew McConaughey appears in a good movie. Still, you better be on top of your shit because there is NO excuse to miss a good scandal.
Betches fucking love scandals. We don't mean the kind of scandal like, they just uncovered a plot to assassinate the president... Snoozefest! If CNN is gonna bother to report them, scandals should involve things we care about, like rich people and sex.
(The Osama bin Laden thing was an exception in that we only paid attention because it gave us a reason to throw a last minute #23 pregame on Sunday night. Who's dead? Someone ugly? Who cares! Let's drink!)
Fortunately we were perusing Perez and found a story that sounded a little bit like Tiger Woods meets Maid in Manhattan meets Mr. Deeds. Yes, we're talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his 10 year-old love child. This is what happens, California, when you hire a meathead to run a fucking state. And this is what happens to you, Maria Shriver, when you marry the son of a Nazi.
Really Arnold? Sleeping with the maid? That's not cliche. Also, the woman's name is Mildred and she's actually heinous. It's like when Prince Charles went from banging Diana to banging Camilla, except this fat whore makes Camilla look more like Diana.
Maria, get your shit together. This bitch has been living in your house for 20 years! She's fucking 50! If this bitch hasn't been on your #25 WYDEL for years now, you're fucking clueless. We realize that Arnold's accent is both nauseating and incoherent, but is that really a good excuse to not confront him about this?
So betches, let this story be a lesson to all. Don't marry someone with more testosterone than Mark McGuire. Go for the #19 ugly hot bro. Even though his arms might not look like two fucking tree trunks, he probably won't leave you for some stupid bitch who cleans your toilet and hasn't even gone to college.