November 15, 2012
So we know People Magazine (ever heard of it?) comes out with their list of 100 Sexiest Men every year and it's great and whatever but we figure we're younger and hotter than those old ass editors and therefore should have our own, better list of the sexiest men. Not that there's anything wrong with Channing Tatum, he is hot in that dumb, oafish ogre kind of way, but we have to say we fundamentally disagree with him being the Sexiest Man Alive. I mean, every character he's ever played has been poor! So here's our revised list, broken down by the genre of hot that each bro defines, in an order that favors young bro over wrinkled bro (with some exceptions). We've also only listed 19, so the 20th man is up to you...so agree with our list or leave your antagonistic comments below.
19. Daniel Craig – Movie Franchise Hot: Daniel Craig is one of those perfect actors who, if everyone went to the gym and had amazing blue eyes like he does, would make body doubles obsolete. For his roles as a British agent and dragon tattoo journalist, it seems the studios are actually just paying him to spend like half of his screentime shirtless. Like it's warm enough in Scandinavia to walk around naked?
18. Paul Rudd – OMG I Love Josh! Hot: Paul Rudd is one of the few guys in the ugly comedies with like Seth Rogen who we'd actually be down to fuck if he wasn't famous. We'd even be willing to look past his dominant 'carpooling dad' gene if he'd only tell us the one about Kenny G. again...?
17. Prince Harry – Royally Ugly Hot: Sporting more hair and incriminating FB pics than his older bro, Harry doesn't have to give a shit about behaving because he never has to be king, yet he still gets all the perks such as unlimited money and free time to fuck around. With his blatant disregard for all princely duties from running around Vegas naked to wearing offensive Halloween costumes, Harry has brought #42 dressing like a slut to the royal fam...even the trendy Kate Middleton couldn't resist. Harry should be especially honored because he's really the only ginger we'd ever consider having sex with, in spite of his uptight in-laws.
16. Jon Hamm - SAB Hot: It's no surprise Don Draper has made this list. He's smooth, super hot, and a huge shady asshole. But the reason we wrote Jon instead of Don is because the actor behind the shit head is actually this smart pro who (we're fairly sure) is not the asshole he portrays on Mad Men. He's been a loyal boyf to Jennifer Westfeldt for the past 15 years and in spite of how he fucks on Bridesmaids, I think it's safe to bet to say that they have an amazing sex life.
15. Johnny Depp – High School Student Who Might Bring A Gun To School Hot: As you know from our broast of Johnny D, he has chiseled abs and perfect features, however he often disguises them in favor of a style which we've dubbed 'gothic non-chic.' We wish we could chalk this up to so-called acting but there's never an excuse for the greasy strings which he and Lena Dunham call hair. Still, we'd fuck him anyway.
14. Mark Wahlberg - Big Penis Hot: This guy is so rich, so muscular, so blessd in the penis department that he couldn't NOT be on the list. He's even hot at his worst (in Fear when he
kisses eats Reese Witherspoon..not with his mouth!) and at his funniest as Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch singing/rapping Good Vibrations. Say hello to ya motha for me.
13. Bradley Cooper - Limitlessly Hot: Brad 2.0 is also one of those bros who can just get old as fuck and stay beautiful. No but seriously are you kidding us with those eyes? That smile? That movie where you take a lot of adderall and clean your apartment 20 times? We're down.
12. Brad Pitt - Obviously Hot: As the sexiest man of 2000, we can easily say that Brad has done quite well for himself in the last 12 years. Despite his 17 ambiguously gendered children and his mountain lion hair-beard combo, it's safe to say that Brad is still a hot mother fucker. So hot that Chanel even paid him 7 million to speak gibberish for 30 seconds knowing that his face will sell their cologne. However, Brad, grow your hair any longer and you may find yourself joining your pal Georgey on the Sexiest Men-Moms-Get-Off-To Alive List.
11. James Franco – I Am Stoned (and Hot): We can appreciate James Franco for many things, among them his face, crafty hands required for joint-rolling, and his face. Sure being a movie star is impressive, but his beating of PTSD from four whole hours on stage with Anne Hathaway while high at the Oscars is even more impressive than some of his bigger achievements like say, his adjunct professorship at NYU.
10. Joshua Bowman – I Can't Act But I Am Hot: Ever since the beginning of Revenge we thanked God that network television had chosen a male lead that we actually wanted to have sex with unlike every guy in Pretty Little Liars. Then we found out Josh was British and we were like, that halfway compensates for Daniel Grayson's IQ. Sure he used to date Amy Winehouse (RIP) but after she moved onto a bro more on her (tolerance) level, he moved onto Emanda, a betch more on his attractiveness level... however it's clear he has a thing for the crazies.
9. Scott Disick – Reality Show Attention Seeking Hot: What can we say, we wish we had our very own Scott Disick to avoid taking care of our kids and say crude things to our mothers. We dream of a bro with an iron fist strong enough to destroy the bathroom mirror above our his and her's sinks. We would even put up with his cane if it meant our sisters could spend the night on chat roulette perusing penises with him. Bottom line: we want Scott to be our shady asshole husband.
8. Tom Brady – The Only Football Player We Know Hot: Sure Tom Brady can't fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time, but he's married to Gisele which is sort of like winning the Super Bowl of marriage, except in this case you give a ring instead of getting one. Whatevs, he somehow convinced Gisele to move to shitty Boston for him. She probably can't even say Boston.
7. Ryan Lochte – Dumb as Fuck Hot: Ryan graced our TVs this summer as the hottest swimmer since that bro who starred in Swimfan. As shit hit the internet about what an idiot Lochte was, we still didn't care. We just wanted to see him without his shirt saying dumb things like a real life Olympic Derek Zoolander. Ryan says it best with this pearl of wisdom "I hate to lose. I like winning." Samesies, Ryan, samesies.
6. Liam Hemsworth - Whipped By His Girlfriend But Still Hot: He signed up for Miley, he got Robyn instead. Regardless, he seems pretty set on marrying this country bumpkin for all her lesbian coif and weird tweeting habits. Let's just say that he's clearly the hotter of the Hemsworths but with accents like theirs, we'll take either. "LAYM!" - Miley.
5. Ed Westwick - He's...Chuck Bass Hot: When you think of Ed Westwick you think "rich, pink pastels, speaks lower than someone auditioning for the role of Godzilla," or just simply "Chuck Bass." But Ed's much more than that, he's British, has a style even hotter than Chuck's, and he's British. Oh and I think he has a band, but taking his shirt off and staring at me is a song in itself.
4. David Beckham - FIFA Hot: Needs no description, just a quick pic of him in his underwear or holding one of the 4 ridiculously good looking children he's produced.
3. Adam Levine - Sings Like A Woman Hot: Next to playing the "which tranny does Xtina resemble this week" game, Adam Levine is the only reason people watch The Voice. Drooling over his seductive eyes and high pitched squeals, girls can't get enough of this hot bro. He also earns a plus 10 for JABs, who without a doubt have all once said or thought in their post-pubescent days, "...And he's JEWISH!"
2. Jake Gyllenhaal - The Cutest Puppy Ever Hot: Good Taylor, don't get back together with Jake, like ever. You and your men dressed as bears playing banjos don't deserve his perfect abs and man jaw anyway. Last week we saw a picture of Jake strolling the streets of NYC changing things up with a mystery brunnette girlfriend and a new POW-chic facial hairstyle. Honestly, you can do no wrong... except for fake falling in love with Anne Hathaway, that shit was not cool.
1. Ryan Gosling – The Hottest of All Hot: There's not much else to say about Ryan Gosling except that he's perfect, and perfection goes in that category with things like dead babies or rape: nothing to joke about.