Betches Love USC Football

By LaBetch James

Each fall, hundreds of college football teams take the field. Thousands of fans binge drink and pass out in the stands. Hundreds of thousands of fans get drunk on their couch in belligerent support.

Yet, only a handful of the teams truly display the true betchy characteristics that we all have come to love so much. And one of these teams is the University of Southern California football team.

We were reminded of USC's betchiness when head coach Steve Sarkisian got his team (back) in the headlines by blacking out on stage at a donor event. These donor events are literally the most boring shit ever, just designed for the old, rich donors to cut nice paychecks out of their grandkids' trust funds.

Try telling that to Coach Sarkisian. Apparently, Sark got on stage and was so wasted that he could barely speak. Like, first night back at the frat house-level wasted. And when he finally did start slurring out words, he told the nursing home candidates in the crowd to "fight the fuck on." A bold interpretation of the trademarked USC slogan: "fight on." And then he got carried off the stage.

Perhaps, the nickname "University of Shitfaced Coaches" will catch on. You heard it here first.

Beyond the blackout betch head coach, USC's fan base has a student body that refers to itself as the "Arrogant Nation." Which goes along with the "win or lose, we still booze" and the "I don't care that we cheated because we still win" mentality.

Back in the 2000s, when Lindsay Lohan was still relatively sane, USC shit itself in the college football scene by getting caught (allegedly) cheating. Reggie Bush, the renowned former lover of Kim Kardashian, apparently bought a car and gave his parents some money with illegal booster money...which is apparently not acceptable but totally understandable.

Anyway, these long years of sanctions and rules were put on the Trojans, but it's ten years later and the team is still winning. And USC has sent more players to the NFL than any other team. And USC has more first round NFL draft picks than any other team. And eleven national championships. So they're historically one of the best teams ever in college football, and that's fucking betchy.

Plus, how can you not respect a team named after a condom? Safety first, betches.





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