April 28, 2015
Every betch has dreamed about marrying George Clooney and going on a long, romantic safari honeymoon. Well unfortunately, since G-Cloons had to go and marry that lawyer skank, we might just have to settle for the second part of the fantasy.
Safaris are one of the ultimate betchy trips. First of all, they only exist in super exotic locations, with the exception of those lame African Lion Safari zoos that are dotted around North America. Those obviously don’t fucking count.
You’ll get to check in at a random airport that nobody’s heard of in a country that everyone’s barely heard of, which is like, so adventurous. You’ll also have a license to post as many animal emojis as you please. Go wild. Pun intended.
Stay at a lodge, which is usually a huge old building from the colonial times and can be really luxurious if you pay up for it while being in the middle of fucking nowhere. A diamond in the rough, if you may, possibly in a country that actually exports diamonds.
Going on a safari is basically just driving around and looking for animals. You’ll get your very own ranger who will dress exactly like Indiana Jones, drive you around, and point out the wildlife. It is actually really funny to see all the animals you’ve only seen behind bars at the zoo when you were about five years old, just chilling in their natural habitat. Kinda like seeing your teacher at the mall back when you thought she just existed at school.
This will be fun for about two or three days and then you will get sick of sitting in a car all day, so don’t be the dumb betch who signs up for a week-long safari.
Instead, combine it with a trip to Cape Town or maybe like Zanzibar which is a party island off the coast of Tanzania. Or book yourself a few days of treatments in the lodge’s spa to release the tensions of the long plane ride over.
Hiking-style clothing to wear while on the safari. It can get kind of dusty so bring stuff that can get dirty. Also take along a pair of sneakers that you don’t really care about in case you want to go to a bush walk (do it, you’ll feel really hardcore).
Bikinis, lots. You’ll probably have a private pool and should obviously take advantage of it. Also, tanning.
Sundresses for high tea. South Africa has kept some of jolly old colonizer England’s traditions like tea. They all take a break in the afternoon to drink tea (you could probably sneak a cocktail instead) and eat pretty Instagrammable snacks.
Dresses for dinner. They will probably have an upscale restaurant or two and a weekly grill night where you sit outside by a fire and they barbecue unfamiliar meats like antelope.
A camera. If you have a better camera than the one on your iPhone, bring it. You’ll get much better shots of the baby elephants and the hippos if you can zoom without fucking up the quality of the photo.
Safaris are super outdoorsy, but also like really luxurious. If the celebrities do it, then you obviously should too. Add it to your bucket list, betches.