September 6, 2012
For today's installment of betchocracy we're broasting our #2 most fuckable president, who we guess is technically number 1 since JFK has that spot and he's like dead. So last night at the Demo Convensh, Bill Clinton gave a long ass speech that everyone loved. We'll admit that even we were inspired to start thinking about the important national issues, namely whether Richard Gere or John Slattery would be better in a Slick Willy biopic.
We don't know or care about his presidency really, but it's clear Bill knew that the key to keeping your head in the game was getting good head from your staff. With the help of Monica L’s powerful daily BJs he was able to serve 2 terms, talk his way out of being fired, and invent a new, convenient definition of sexual relations. Props for doing all that while betrothed to avid scrunchie supporter Hillary Clinton.
Now we recognize that he may be old as fuck but seeing as he was able to give a 50 minute speech and get #arithmetic to trend (gross), we suddenly understand how he was able to create millions of jobs and still have the stamina to get a few himself. Hard to believe he did all that without an empty chair.
Our favorite part of the speech was obviously in the first 5 minutes, before we tuned out, when he blatantly hit on Michelle Obamz and she was shadily into it. "I want to vote for a man who had the good sense to mindfuck Michelle Obama into marrying him." Good one Billy. We're sure Barry's never letting you ride alone on Air Force 1 with his wife again.