October 4, 2012
Last night was the first debate and holy fuck were we bored. We waited forever for the commercials that would never come, until we realized it must be completely impossible to sell ad space during this miz event that put us to sleep faster than a handful of Ambien. At least we've built a tolerance for that!
We obviously zoned out when it came to the facts, but we definitely noticed that the moderator was about as proficient at getting the candidates to shut the fuck up as we would be refereeing the NFL. What, like it's hard? See America, Jim Lehrer is just a microcosm of all the lazy, stupid Americans who should be laid off because they suck so hard. Mitt's not afraid to tell Jim, Big Bird, and all of PBS that in the words of his BFF Donald Trump, you're fucking fired.
Once Mitt declared his love for Big Bird (who he's still going to fire) it was clear to us that this was as edgy as debates get and proceeded to follow this shit on twitter only. The Mittster clearly won, not that there was much competition with a moderator who had the assertiveness of Doug Funnie, and Obama might as well have made a cameo on Courtney Stodden's new show if he wanted millions of people to watch him give the shittiest performance of his life.
But by far the biggest faux pas was committed by Ann Romney who, despite her husband having plenty of money leftover from the tax loopholes he says he will close, didn't have any non-white clothes to wear this October. Or maybe she just likes to dress in her favorite race. Even middle income povos know better than to wear caucasian after Labor Day, Ann!