Betchography: Boston

By The Betches

Betch Factor (1-10): 3

The Betch Who Lives There: Wishes she didn't and will leave as soon as she's done with school. Since there's no fashion or PR in Boston, any girl with a job in this city is probably doing something like working in a hospital or a lab. That clearly means she's a nice girl. We don't have to explain why wearing a long white lab coat every day is a betch's worst nightmare. To cope with the pain of living around so many girls who wear eyeglasses without even trying to make a trendy statement, the Boston betch spends most weekends on Newbury Street. This street is like an oasis for the Boston betch in the midst of a fat, Dunkin Donuts eating, beer guzzling, guys with weirdly-buzzed Frankenstein haircuts city. She can get brunch at Sonsie with her fellow miserable betches, buy some decently hot outfits, and pretend for an afternoon that she's in New York.

She Avoids: Virtually every bar in the city. A betch never goes into a pub. This city is crawling with pubs with names like Flanagan O'Malley's. If any word is the opposite of betch, it's pub. Avoid at all costs.

 

JLO and AffleckJ Lo can't fucking wait to get out of Boston.

 

A Betch Who Visits Should: Have her fucking head examined. If for some reason you find yourself here, find a bro at a hotel bar and make him take you to the Celtics/Red Sox game. Of course, anything less than courtside seats or a luxury box is extremely unbetchy. Also, hang out in Harvard Square and see if you can find a Harvard Business School bro, and like, never work. Work is like any awful life-ruining addiction, once you start it becomes much harder to stop. Best to avoid in the first place.

Redeeming Factor: You'll be the hottest girl in the city, and you might even be able to eat more than 1000 calories a day and still maintain that honor. We know, we'd never really do that, but it's good to know we could. Also, the Boston metro area is not entirely awful. If you need to escape the actual city - and you do - there are a few places on the Cape, or even better, Nantucket, where a betch can easily throw on enormous sunglasses, have bros buy her overpriced drinks, and dress cute without getting nasty looks from girls who actually wear normal-sized football jerseys in public.

 

 

 

Betchography: Philadelphia >>

Betch Factor (1-10): 3

The Betch Who Lives There: Wishes she didn't and will leave as soon as she's done with school. Since there's no fashion or PR in Boston, any girl with a job in this city is probably doing something like working in a hospital or a lab. That clearly means she's a nice girl. We don't have to explain why wearing a long white lab coat every day is a betch's worst nightmare. To cope with the pain of living around so many girls who wear eyeglasses without even trying to make a trendy statement, the Boston betch spends most weekends on Newbury Street. This street is like an oasis for the Boston betch in the midst of a fat, Dunkin Donuts eating, beer guzzling, guys with weirdly-buzzed Frankenstein haircuts city. She can get brunch at Sonsie with her fellow miserable betches, buy some decently hot outfits, and pretend for an afternoon that she's in New York.

She Avoids: Virtually every bar in the city. A betch never goes into a pub. This city is crawling with pubs with names like Flanagan O'Malley's. If any word is the opposite of betch, it's pub. Avoid at all costs.

 

JLO and AffleckJ Lo can't fucking wait to get out of Boston.

 

A Betch Who Visits Should: Have her fucking head examined. If for some reason you find yourself here, find a bro at a hotel bar and make him take you to the Celtics/Red Sox game. Of course, anything less than courtside seats or a luxury box is extremely unbetchy. Also, hang out in Harvard Square and see if you can find a Harvard Business School bro, and like, never work. Work is like any awful life-ruining addiction, once you start it becomes much harder to stop. Best to avoid in the first place.

Redeeming Factor: You'll be the hottest girl in the city, and you might even be able to eat more than 1000 calories a day and still maintain that honor. We know, we'd never really do that, but it's good to know we could. Also, the Boston metro area is not entirely awful. If you need to escape the actual city - and you do - there are a few places on the Cape, or even better, Nantucket, where a betch can easily throw on enormous sunglasses, have bros buy her overpriced drinks, and dress cute without getting nasty looks from girls who actually wear normal-sized football jerseys in public.

 

 

 

Betchography: Philadelphia >>

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