Betchography: Chicago

By The Betches

June 14, 2012

Betch Factor: 6.0

A Betch who Lives There: is definitely eating a deepdish pizza somewhere right now. Just kidding, maybe. She came out of the womb wearing Chanel, Jbrands, feeling hella cool in her Raybans, and if she didn't grow up directly in the city, she's from the North Shore suburbs of Kenilworth, Wilmette, Highland Park, Evanston, Winnetka, or even in the Lake Forest area where she lives in a mansion disproportionate to its property. But much like every big city in the Midwest, no matter how nice your neighborhood, you're still in a 5 mile radius of the crack dealer nearest you.

OMG this mirror is so different than the mirror I have at home.

A Chicago betch either attended private school at Latin or Parker, or one of the mega public schools like Lake Forest High or New Trier where she sat as far as possible from the sexually active band geeks, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, and Miss Norbury trying to sell her marijuana tablets…no but literally New Trier High School IS 'North Shore High' except the people are more Jewish, bigger Bulls fans, and more likely to burn a joint than nice girls in a bejeweled book.

In the summers if she wasn’t away at camps such as Birch Trail, Agawak, or Lake of the Woods, you’d be sure to find a her instagramming herself at North Ave Beach, at the East Bank Club walking on a treadmill while eating a $50 salads, or blowing her absentee dad’s credit card shopping on Belmont or in small boutiques around town. The Chicago betch is like, sooo materialistically chill.

When it comes to music festivals, Cali may have Coachella but Chicago is known for Lolla, aka every betch's annual excuse to roll deep at Perry's Stage and act hipster for approx 72 hours. The Gay Pride parade is a perfect excuse for betches and their gay bffs to get fucked up and flamboyantly prance around the city, and the Taste of Chicago is for flosers.

After high school, the Chicago betch attends college somewhere in the Midwest or the East Coast such as U of I, Indiana, Wisconsin, NYU, art/fashion schools. Post-college betches usually end up in New York or back in the city doing some type of advertising/PR job for Groupon. Night lives of both essentially revolve around the bar/rave scenes in Lincoln Park or River North.

The Hamptons of the Midwest

Side Note: If you think you’ve spotted a Chicago betch and soon realize she shadily looks 45, you’ve actually spotted a North Shore mom. Chicago is a fucking frenzy of Amy Poehlers circa Hump Day who can be seen a mile away speed-walking aimlessly in their Lulelemons, Starbucks/teacup poodles in hand, smelling like baby prostitutes.

A Betch who Visits: will probably not step more than 15 feet from the Magnificent Mile and the Bean, unless one of her friends goes to school at DePaul or Columbia, in which case she’ll probably only step about 15 more feet over to some roof party. Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop. She’ll stay somewhere on Lake Shore Drive, go to modish dive bars, maybe hit up a Cub’s game in Wrigleyville if she’s feeling Midwest-y, but would never be caught dead at a White Sox game unless she is a middle-aged black man or the WGG.

If she’s with the fam she’ll probably be forced to dabble in the Chicago Art Museum, Hancock Building, or the Empire State Building’s gay little brother the Sears Tower…which apparently is now called the Willis Tower but everyone’s all like, stop trying to make the Willis Tower happen. It’s not going to happen.

Oh, and bring a jacket. We know it’s called the Windy City for its politicians, but it’s also like actually really fucking windy.

The Betch Avoids: ANYWHERE near the South Side or Division Street. Despite Chicago constantly shitting out really successful black people (see Kanye, Obama, Oprah, MJ), they did not come from the South Side. Also avoid anywhere west of 294 unless you’re planning on tripping with your besties in farmer Bob’s barn. In either case, there’s really no reason a betch would be venturing away from the normal limits of the city. She will get pregnant, get chlamydia, and die.


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Betchography: San Francisco >>







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