Betchography: London

By The Betches

July 26, 2012

In honor of the Olympics being held in one of our favorite betchy cities, we've decided to bring Betchography across the pond. It's home to the original Lucky Sperm Club, the royal family, countless betch idols named Kate, a government named for hipster cigarettes, and dubstep.

Betch Factor: 8.5

The Betch Who Lives There: lives in West or Central London. London betches attend prep school, are all family friends (seriously there’s like a max two degrees of separation in Britain), have houses in the countryside, ride ponies, holiday on yachts in St. Trop, are friends with royals, and go to festivals. They may also be referred to as Sloanes, due to their enduring attachment to Sloane Street in West London.

The British betch has perfected her careless fuck-off vibe because unlike Americans, Brits aren't down to automatically act fake smiley and friendly if they think you’re a total fucking psycho. Family pedigree is more important than wealth and British betches make a conscious effort to look like they haven’t made any effort/have just left Glastonbury. This translates into messy hair, less makeup, and eclectic clothes as opposed to the airbrushed LA image. The Brits call this festival look "edgy" and while we can't understand why anyone would wear a floral dress with sneakers (Lily Allen), this is where heroin chic was invented so we'll give it to them.

For secondary school, London betches go to boarding school at Bedales, Downe House, or Malborough (where former BOTWs the Middleton sisters went). If she prefers to go to day school in the city, she might go to The Harrodian, Queens College, Latymer, or North London Collegiate (where former BOTW Anna Wintour went). For the exceptional betch who goes to a non-fee paying school, it's the French Lycée or die.

All UK betches take Gap Years before college (pronounced Gap Yahs). There’s a very established gap year route: swing through South America, fly to Asia, spend all your time in Thailand until the Full Moon Party in the summer, then pen the whole thing up to a “cultural experience” even though the only culture experienced was drug-related.

When she finally decides to stop fucking around and go to college aka "uni," in the UK you can only apply to either Oxford or Cambridge, never both. If you’re smart but not a hardworking nicegirl, you always go for Oxford where there's a better nightlife and more privately educated students.

That being said… the nightlife at Oxbridge sucks, so other choices are Durham, St Andrews (small and middle of fucking nowhere but Prince William made it trendy), Bristol, and Exeter or Newcastle for the wealthy betches who don’t need a degree to get an internship at their dad's hedge fund.

Finally, while your average American betch will undoubtedly swoon over a British bro's accent, the London betch is #82 over it. They lack the bodies/charm of American boys, nor as they as seductive/sexy as (real) European boys, and they have the dating skills of primordial swamp-dwellers. Plus so many of them have huge daddy issues because in England nobody knows how to talk about their feelings. The UK betch would go for the only acceptable English “type,” think a non-ginge Prince Harry: ruddy cheeks, blonde hair, plays rugby, probably went to Eton or Westminster.

The Betch Who Visits: isn't there to do anything remotely touristy because she already rode the London Eye and saw the guards change like 15 times when her parents took her to visit when she was 10. The visiting betch is there for the #77 shopping and #21 clubbing.

As far as clubs go, the Cuckoo Club is chic as fuck, everyone here is pretty and even the ano betches get excited when the kitchen magically produces plates of incredible pasta at 4AM to keep you going. (Plus the cocaine a joke since Britain is far as fuck from Colombia so it's not like it's doing anything for your appetite.) But we digress... there's also Boujis for the royals, The Box for celebs, Cirque De Soir if you liked Ibiza, and Maddox for the Eurotrash. Both Project and the Arts Club are new, classy, and where you head to chase down pro investment bankers. All of the best clubs tend to be in Mayfair/Soho and South Kensington but a betch avoids the has-beens like Movida and Mahiki, which are now full of underdressed, over-tanned, bridge-and-tunnel types. Fabric is the cliché club that Americans love and it's sick, except for its location in the East End and its sketchy clientele. RIP Public.

As for shopping: Harvey Nichols and Sloane Street are obvious, Selfridges is acceptable if you’ve taken 30mg of Adderall and are thus able to filter out the general public with premium efficiency, and the Kings Road is adored by Sloanes (and Vivienne Westwood). If you want to hit up Harrods, good luck getting past the tourists and the gold-plated Ferraris with Arabic number plates that surround this place like a fucking moat.

Some restaurants to #5 not eat in include Hakkasan, Zuma, E&O if you want to be seated next to Kate Moss, Novikov or Mari Vanna if you need to meet all the Russian oligarchs you've ever wanted, or Nobu if you're hungry for cliché naruto. For the shopping betch who wants to be done with lunch in under 20 minutes, go to Itsu.

The Betch Avoids: the majority of East London, Oxford Street unless she wants to run the risk of being trampled to death by tourists,

Would've gotten a higher score if not for: the weather, crooked teeth, and challenges associated with getting Adderall or any drug that hasn't been cut with a million varieties of baby powder.








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