December 10, 2013
Home to legends ranging from Jerry Seinfeld to Teddy Roosevelt to Lindsay Lohan, Long Island is the greatest thing to happen to American suburbia since they found out Westchester could technically be classified as upstate New York. The Long Island betch doesn’t give a shit that you make fun of her precious peninsula, she clutches her accent and uggs more fiercely than her coveted spot on the JV tennis team or her standing reservation at 388 (RIP Matteos sort of).
The betch who lives there: is a JAB. And if she’s not a JAB, she's a halfsie, or all her friends are and at one point in her life, probably middle school, she bitched out her parents for not being chosen. The Long Island betch is a total bitch but is like really nice to her camp friends. She’s spoiled, grew up in a huge house, dedicated a bat mitzvah candle to her housekeeper, loves iced coffee, was pulled out of her moms vagina wearing Hard Tails, and won’t find anything in common with you if you don’t know at least 3 people she knows.
A Long Island betch is most likely besties with her high school friends long after college because 1) she hates branching out 2) because when she'd go home for breaks during college, her friends were always home too, and were always down to hot box someone’s car and/or pool house and 3) because you need besties to be wasted and cause a scene with on the 3:19 train (or whatever the fuck it is now, fucking LIRR).
While there are some private schools on Long Island like Friends Academy, the LI Betch most likely didn’t go there because the public schools were all the rage. Schools like Wheatley, Roslyn, Jericho, Great Neck South, Great Neck North, Hewlett, Plainview, Syosset and Herricks were a shoe-in for Ivy Leagues and had at least one sexual/money laundering scandal a year. If she’s Persian betch, she will most likely go to Great Neck North, live in Kings Point, and be married yesterday.
Of course there are WASBs who populate the suburbs of Long Island, such as in Manhasset, Port Washington, and Oyster Bay. They went to went to Holy Trinity, Sacred Heart, St. Mary’s, Kellenberg, Our Lady of Mercy, St. Anthony’s, and hooked up with everyone at Chaminade. A lot of of these betches still live at home after college, not because they can’t afford moving out, but because their houses are so big they don’t see their parents anyway.
If you’re a country club member betch, which you probably should be, break your #5 diet and go to the buffet so you can brag that your club has the best food/BBQ’s/Jews. Glen Oaks versus Pine Hollow: the silent rivalry is more intense than Yankees vs. Mets.
A betch who visits should: go to Kitchen Kabaret. Park in the back to avoid to getting honked at by someone’s grandma or hitting LL Cool J. Once you’re inside, order from from the salad bar or get a half a pound of the dry chicken in the oily salad otherwise known as chicken kabaret. Then go around to the coffee bar to get a murky iced coffee that tastes pretty good at first but will make your stomach hurt 30 minutes after you’re finished.
Shop at the Americana aka the Miracle Mile after lunching at Cipollini or checking out the divorcee crowd at Toku. It’s the perfect place to shop for really expensive shit or like if you need to get something at Sephora. We think that the nickname ‘miracle' comes from the north shore women praying for the miracle that a walk-in botox shop will one day open in place of the god awful Gap.
The betch who moves there: will need to choose between Nubest and Ambiance. Once that importance choice is made, she will quickly learn that there is a stark difference between the two shores of Long Island. While there are many betches who are from the south shore, they’re considered fake south shore and are really more like north shore girls (i.e. Hewlett, Lawrence Woodmere, Lynbrook).
The Betch avoids: Suffolk. She’ll only pass through Suffolk on the LIE on her way to the Hamptons. If she ever finds herself in Suffolk for some reason like to take a standardized test she will get out of there faster than a Roslynite at the Greenvale diner after midnight.
Would’ve gotten a higher score if not for: the shitty parts of Long Island like Garden City except when you're going to Roosevelt Field; all the STDs circulating Hofstra; The Princesses of Long Island; Hurricane Sandy; J Woww.