June 21, 2012
Betch Factor: 7.0
The Betch who grew up there: bought her first pipe at the Haight Street Fair before she turned 13, at which she also had her first experience with edibles. She comes from the most eclectic of betchy cities and while most of our kind do not #118 branch out, the SF betch is down. You never know when a casual group of naked protestors will brush by you while shopping on Fillmore or when you'll meet a drag queen at your burrito place. OMG vom I’d never go to Cantina, it’s all about Taqueria they have the best drinks!!
The San Francisco betch is the product of social realism and sophistication, like she knew the definition of bicurious in preschool, and her cultural awareness is reflected in her style and interests. She has an affinity for gays unlike any other probably because every male she knows, from her kindergarten teacher to her dad(s), is a homo.
The SF betch most likely attended private school at International, Urban, Drew, Lick or one of the catholic schools like Convent or Saint Ignatius. If you went to a public school other than Lowell for the TABs, you are obviously a product of the recent passage of the Dream Act.
While many Cali betches spent their high school nights getting blackout at house parties or clubs, the San Francisco betch partied primarily outdoors. If you didn’t get multiple texts every Saturday about a “keg in the park at 7” you were probably really into community theater or something.
For college, the only schools that are out of the question are those in the city itself. Born and raised San Franciscans only attend San Francisco colleges if they have serious social disorders or are like, extremely into acid.
The Betch who lives there: can be found at yuppy bars in the Marina or the Presidio, shopping in Union Square, buying drugs from Roosevelt, smoking in Dolores Park, or attending Giants games, or smoking in Dolores Park.
Nothing pisses off a native more than someone who claims to be “from the bay!!” when they’re really from a bordering “city” 90 minutes away. If you take Bart into the city YOU ARE NOT FROM THE FUCKING CITY. If you call it Frisco or San Fran you're probably one of those people who doesn't get it or a persian immigrant.
The Betch Who Visits: will definitely be so excited to instagram a pic of the Haight Ashbury sign that she won't even notice she's surrounded by junkies.
She should also hit up the Castro aka the gay capital of the world. This magical stretch of homo-topia has been sprinkled with the dust of a million fairies. Brace yourself, you are about to see more assless chaps and leather vests than you thought ever existed in the world. And if you haven’t experienced a Castro Halloween, you’re probs wasting your life.
San Francisco Pride is also the ideal opportunity for betches and their GBFFs to roll balls while simultaneously like, meeting the mayor.
The SF Betch Avoids: cable cars, Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Warf. If we wanted to smell fish while being surrounded by gross tourists we'd go to a strip club. And while the visiting betch might marvel at the workout potential of the city’s mountainous hills, the SF betch was over that shit by the time she got her license and drives fucking everywhere.
Would've gotten a higher score if not for: all of the crackheads and homeless people who actually make you feel endangered 40% of the time you step out of your house.
So betches, if you have never been to the City by the Bay, it’s def worth the visit. As any SF betch who's left her hometown will tell you, she left her heart (or whatever she has in the place where hearts go) in fucking San Francisco.