April 3, 2015
If you live north of the Mason Dixon line you probably have little to no idea what I’m talking about when I use the term painting a cooler. In the land of ribbons and pearls, Sperry’s and salmon pants aka southern fraternities - there seems to be a time honored tradition of young women painting coolers for their boyfriends, guy friends, formal dates, random acquaintance that needed a last minute date, and back burner bros you decided to like this month and make a birthday present for.
Tailgating is pretty much a religion during football season and with the upcoming Kentucky Derby the only thing that will outshine the Lilly Pulitzer and floppy hats will be the colorful and well crafted coolers the bros in Chubbies will be carrying.
Painting a cooler starts with collecting materials that crafty betches always have in stock and other girls would otherwise never touch: spackle, sand paper, sealer, primer, acrylic paint, paint brushes, stencils, paint pens, and anything else that can be purchased at Hobby Lobby or Michaels.
Betches spend weeks stalking Pinterest boards looking for the best designs, the perfect techniques, appropriate sanding tools, and the surefire way to make sure that your countless hours of manual labor aren’t chipped off during his first drunken day with the prized possession. Patterns on coolers usually include fraternity crests and letters, bow ties, alcohol labels, preppy brands like Brooks Brothers and Vineyard Vines, sports teams, college logos, flags, song quotes, and anything and everything to do with booze.
While a crafty betch labors away at 3am touching up the corners that chipped during the third coat of modge podge, she’s telling herself that he will be comparing his cooler to every other guy, that it must be perfect so he’s proud and asks you to another function, that this cooler will SET THE TONE for the weekend of you two falling in love, and that your picstitch of the final product will get triple digit likes.
In reality all the guy really cares about is if there is cold beer in the cooler - the rest is really for female versus female bragging rights. Just like you like to believe you wear heels for a guy, they could honestly care less, they’re simple minded folks that just want a cold beer and a nice butt to look at while they drink it.
All in all, it comes down to girls exchanging a work intensive crafty cooler for an invite to get drunk and enjoy free beer and a drunk hotdog with a male suitor. Betches put countless hours into perfecting the final work of art and guys continue to use it as a beer box and foot rest when they’re too drunk to continue standing.