June 9, 2014
In this week’s edition of betchy linguistics, we’re tackling a close cousin to first world problems: “the struggle is real.”
“The struggle is real” is most commonly said when the struggle is not, in fact, all that real. It is one of the few things a betch can say or do ironically without sounding like a hipster.
Some examples of struggles being real (but also like not really real) include:
1. Hangovers – Hangovers are probably the realest of all struggles. Between your head feeling like Rick Ross is sitting on it, the persistent urge to vom into the nearest potted plant, and inability to keep your eyes open in direct sunlight or even an adequately lit room, it’s a bunch of struggles within a struggle. Struggleception.
2. Anything diet or food-related – “I’m starving but there’s nothing I want to eat,” “My fridge is empty but I’m too lazy to go to Whole Foods,” “I can’t go to Taco Bell because I’m on an all-carb diet.” You could be thankful you have access to food in the first place but if those starving kids tried eating raw kale like you did this afternoon I’m pretty sure they too would understand your struggle, because raw kale is harder to chew through than a condom. Probably. Not that I’d personally know.
3. Absurdly First World Problems – The other day I switched from white to black quinoa because that was all they had at the store. Turns out black quinoa is disgusting, so I had nothing to eat for lunch that day. White girl problem, first world problem, and the struggle was most definitely real.
4. Starbucks Snafus – Yes this is an absurdly first world problem but obv Starbucks gets its own honorable mention. Super long line made you late to work and your boss yelled at you? The struggle is real. The barista forgot to give you an extra espresso shot this morning and now you only have a normal amount of caffeine, instead of enough caffeine to give an elephant heart palpitations? Oh god, the struggle is too fucking real. I’m praying for you, betch.
5. When you leave your laptop charger at home and your battery is at 30% - This goes double for your phone. I bet this is how it feels to get taken off of life support.
6. Car troubles – like you need to get gas but just really don’t want to because it's such a pain, or you forgot to turn your headlights off and your battery died. Or (God forbid), your car is in the shop and you are considering *shudder* taking public transportation. Bum bum bummmmmmm.
7. TV struggles - You watched all of Sherlock series 3 in a day, now you’re going to have to wait six months to find out what happens next; Orange is the New Black came out on Friday, but you have to go to work. Can I call in sick just to watch OITNB? Sidenote to the writers of Sherlock: if you’re going to have all the characters kill themselves in very obvious, non-survivable ways and then bring them back in the next season, YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT. Come on. Ain’t no way anyone's living through a gunshot to the face.
8. Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems – This is an obvious one. When finances are involved, it’s always a struggle: a struggle between buying those cute $300 sandals and not buying those cute $300 sandals; a struggle between ordering in again or pretending to cook something; a struggle between keeping a budget or just saying “eh, fuck it” and hoping for the best.
9. Having to do, like, manual labor – “I had to walk to the store today. It was 5 blocks! The struggle is real.”
10. Having to wear pants and a bra – THE STRUGGLE IS SO EFFIN REAL I CAN’T EVEN.
The less real the struggle is, the realer the struggle is. To all those betches pledging allegiance to the struggle, we stand by you in solidarity. Together, we will get through this. Somehow. Haven't quite figured out how yet, seeing as I'm too hungover.