March 26, 2014
Let's say you’re at a pregame and you’re in the process of getting blackout and you want to send a Snapchat vid but like, “in the process of getting blackout” doesn’t have a nice ring to it. If only there was a way to say “getting wastedddd” but like, edgier and possibly more urban….
Oh, right. Thanks to Lil Jon and every pop station in the fucking country, betches now have the option of “turning up.”
We saved you the trouble of asking your one ghetto friend and decided to answer your questions in a convenient Q&A format.
Where did this term come from?
We think some mysterious place called “the trap,” wherever that is. Probably some shitty part of Atlanta.
Why should I care?
Because somewhere along the line some white person heard it, thought it was cool, and decided to apply it to fucking everything, making it impossible to escape. Go figure.
Like what exactly is doing the “turning” in the upward motion?
Think about it: what do you turn up when you’re on the road to blackout? The volume on the speakers; the speed of your central nervous system once you pop a molly and are sweatin; the odds you’ll end the night without your iPhone and with some extra unexplainable bruises.
Who can turn up, and when?
Do you have a key to your parents’ liquor cabinet and a half-smoked joint stashed in your sock drawer? Congrats, you’re well on your way to Turning Up: Party of One. Some times are more socially acceptable to turn up than others, like your family’s Passover seder is prob kosher since it does call for 4 glasses of wine anyway. Your final presentation on Adult Abnormal Psych, though? Maybe not…unless you’re a college senior, in which case you should always be turnt.
Wait, “turnt?” Wtf does that mean?
When you fall asleep at the beach in Miami you get burnt, ergo, when you’re done turning up, you’re turnt up, or turnt for short. It’s called basic grammar, read a fucking book.
But…wouldn’t it make more sense to say “turned”?
Maybe, it might also make more sense to stop requiring cover letters with job apps since it’s 2014 and I know no one’s reading that shit, but I clearly don’t make the rules.
Okay, okay, obviously I’m still new at this so what are your betch recommendations for getting “turnt,” as you say?
Protip #1: Like in any pregame, song choice is key. No one ever said they were turning up to “We are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” unless they were saying it ironically, and if that’s the case you sound like a hipster and you are sooo uninvited to come sit with us.
Protip #2: Don’t be racist. Just because you’re using a certain vernacular doesn’t give you the excuse to slap some tin foil on your teeth and call it a grill, Madonna, or try to bend your fingers backwards into some gang sign, or for god’s sake try the N-word on for size. Don’t even think about it! You don’t want the rest of your life to be haunted by some pregame pic you don’t remember taking or like, the ghost of Biggie Smalls.
As for the age old question that has been plaguing philosophers since 2011, "turn down for what?" The answer is simple: basically nothing. You can turn down for a nap, a business meeting with a client, or your annual check-up but other than that you need a damn good reason because once you turn up you're not supposed to turn down. So next time you rip that shot of Fireball while high on coke just know you're making a long-term commitment because at the end of the day (or night, whatever) "turnt up" isn't just a phrase, it's a lifestyle.