October 4, 2013
As part of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club it's obvious that betches love all things royal. Unfortunately in the real world, the royal family is supposed to act proper and civil at all times, with the exception of Prince Harry who DGAF. But because most royals spend all their time visiting hospitals and having tea, movies and shows about royalty are way more exciting (especially the ones who lived before Twitter and camera phones).
If we learned anything while #3 abroad, it's that Marie had a sick palace to take pics in front of. She lived a lavish life that we can definitely get behind. On the other hand, we completely understand why her suggestion to eat cake was taken so badly by the French people. Cake is definitely not on South Beach.
As Elizabetch II is the officially the first great-grandbetch, it's logical that she is extremely old. However Helen played her white hair to her advantage and won an Oscar playing the queen. It was a very challenging role...walking her corgis around the countryside, driving a 1990 Land Rover, etc.
We know Natalie Portman is sort of a nice girl, but Anne Boleyn was a medieval betch who knew the power of #8 not having sex with bros. Sure she got beheaded in the end, but I guess that's the risk when you marry an indecisive person who has a divine right to do whatever he wants.
Cleo was a queen way back when they were still using pictures to represent the word for queen. Of course she was the center of a heated love triangle between the two biggest bros the BC era, Marc Antony and Caesar. Her jewelry wasn't bad either.
This evil queen was your typical #7 BSCB, killing people whenever she could and bathing in milk to stay young. Why can't you just get botox like our moms? Still, Charlize makes this list because her enemy was Kristen Stewart, and everyone knows the enemy of our enemy is our friend.
You know you're hot when Brad Pitt will start a whole entire war for you, that's all.
So she may not be a queen by birth but neither is Kate Middleton. Regina is American teenage royalty who ruled through decrees that are practically the millenial Magna Carta, like only wearing sweatpants once a week and not sending candygrams only getting them. Regina even experienced her own modern day beheading, getting hit by a bus.
Although incest is never okay, there’s something to be said for narcissism of actually wanting to have sex with your twin. Cersei doesn't care who likes her and would rather kill herself than marry a rich gay dude just because her dad says she has to. Cersei has perfected the art of ruling behind the scenes and her intimidating vibe can only be rivaled by her genius ability to convince a drunk guy who she’s never had sex with that all three of her kids are his.
This post sponsored by Reign, the rise of Mary, Queen of Scots, premiering Thursday, Oct 17 at 9/8c on The CW