April 20, 2015
In a not shocking turn of events, Ariana Grande and Big Sean have decided to call it quits after like 9 months of dating. Their reps released a statement today and everyone flipped the fuck out and acted like the goddam Obamas decided to divorce. Like could you all just chill for a sec?
They decided to split because they have “conflicting tour schedules” and it was "mutual"- which is clearly a typo because it meant to say “Big Sean got sick of Ariana wearing fucking cat ears all the goddam time and told her to gtfo.” Ari, you are 21, it's time to throw childish things aside, but what he really said was “stop trying to be a fucking cat and get a job”
I can just imagine the break-up:
Big Sean: Lil stupid ass bitch I ain’t fuckin with you
Ariana: You gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
BS: Can you not
As depressing as it is for the subscribers to Seventeen Magazine and other members of the class of 2021 to see their favorite couple break up, it’s honestly nbd. I’m sure it’ll actually provide great inspiration for both of their generally shitty music. Ariana’s new songs about her break-up will be adored by dogs everywhere who can actually understand her high pitched squeals and Big Sean can just have Kanye feature on a track of his album and it can be a #1. I’ve seen enough episodes of Empire to know that breaks up are like the perfect thing to motivate rappers- that, and murder but whatever.