Exciting times are coming, y’all. Since The Bachelor basically shit the bed this season, it’s time to turn our sights to Are You The One?, the only dating show that has had success on MTV since Next #tbt. As the resident Are You The One? Expert at Betches *puts on business card*, I’m here to enlighten your uncultured minds to the beauty that is a bunch of drunk, moronic twentysomethings stuck in a house with nothing but an abnormally large pool, a colorful sectional couch, and condoms. I’ve watched the trailer for this season and it looks like MTV really scraped the bottom of the barrel this year. Exciting!
To prep us for the shitbags to come, let’s rehash some of the show’s WORST cast mates, aka the fuckboys. Unfortunately, these will not include cast members from season 1 and 2—I was too busy murdering my liver studying for exams in college to pay attention to those seasons. Sorry!
The Foreign Fuckboy: Asaf
Yeah, fuckboys aren’t mutually exclusive to our political administration and your local SAE fraternity house—they’re international. Asaf was a fuckboy pretty much straight from the beginning, when he told girls they were fat and that he was basically here to spread his little Israeli soldiers (his sperm, in case you didn’t get that) to every girl in the house. He’s the kind of guy to tell you that he majored in “international relations” wink wink, nudge nudge. *vomits*
The Psycho Fuckboy: Gio
Gio was that guy who you would bring home to freak out your parents but then suddenly you became kinda worried for your own safety because he’s a goddam lunatic. Homie could model underwear one day, then be the poster child for bipolar disorder the next. If he winds up in the news for keeping his girlfriend chained up in his basement because she once pointed out that his socks didn’t match, none of us will be surprised. Actually, I’ll be surprised if that doesn’t happen at some point.
The Gross Fuckboy: Chuck
Chuck is the guy at the bar who tries way too hard to make it look like he doesn’t shower. In his season, he fucked Brittni, his confirmed no-match, RIGHT after he hooked up with Hannah (season bae/girl who actually liked him), in front of everyone in the backyard. Like, really? You gotta bone in the Adirondacks? Really, right in front of my salad?
The Dumb Fuckboy: Ozzy
Ozzy was one of last season’s biggest boners in the house for sure. When he wasn’t hooking up with every other girl in the house, he was lying about how he hooked up with every other girl in the house. Even post-show he’s managed to continuously fuck over the girls from his casting season. Like damn dude, don’t shit where you eat. You’re in the real world now—be a normal person and hook up with someone from The Challenge: Road Rules.
The Pretty Fuckboy: Tyler
You know that guy you regret hooking up with but like, not thaaaat much because he’s still super fucking hot? That is Tyler. He plays games, he lies, he cheats, but he looks like a fucking Calvin Klein model.
Beauty is pain, folks.
HONORABLE MENTION: Devin
Devin is beyond a fuckboy. He’s genuinely an asshole. I basically HAD to include him on this list because he’s literally the perceived villain of this show, but frankly, I admire the dude. He wins pretttty much everything (he won Second Chances and he developed the plan for winning his season) and he has equal balance of being lovable and a massive dick. However, Devin has a fucking PhD in being a goddamn game player and has no issues using emotional warfare to fuck everyone over. Idk why I’m acting like it’s not attractive to me, though—10/10 would still fuck Devin. We’ve all been there.
Are You The One? is coming back to MTV TOMORROW, motherfuckers, so be sure to watch it and get your ass back to Betches to read our phenom recaps. K love ya, bye!
