103. Birth Control

By The Betches

The issue of birth control has been a heated one ever since the ancient Egyptians used gynecological papyrus to ward off their betch-hating babies (we kid you not). But boring history aside, modern birth control has to be one of the greatest inventions to hit the betch world since the fucking corset.

So what’s so betchy about not getting pregnant when we #8 sometimes fuck bros?

It goes without saying that anyone who appears on Teen Mom or has a bastard baby before the age of 25 is not a betch. Why is that? Because we have better things to do with our time and futures than mother some expensive whiny child who demands we be #24 sensitive. We have our #95 little dogs for when we want to hold something cute and cuddly, and it’s considered socially unacceptable to leash your baby. It’s really hard to host excessive #23 pregames and go to the bars when you have a major party foul with you 24/7.

picture of kids

Let’s look at different birth control methods and why they’re great or why they suck.

The Condom: For the betch who can’t take pills or is going through a depressingly long dry spell, the condom is your method. Let’s not even get started on deciding to do it without one. Jamie Lynn Spears or any public school idiot can tell you that pulling out is a shit method and lands you a one-way ticket to the abortion clinic. Unless you’re Bristol Palin and you’re stupid and decide to have the baby despite your mom's vice presidential run.

The Pill: The most common among betches. Occasionally a betch will state that she’s not on the pill because she has a fear of getting fat. Unless you insist on taking your daily dose with a pint of fucking ice cream, the only girls who get fat from bc probs had an eating disorder already.

Anyway, you know what might make you gain 5 pounds? Hormonal changes from the pill. You know what will definitely make you gain 50? A fucking baby.

Side note: we all know that girl who's horrible at remembering to take the pill. She'll usually remember one day of the week and take like 5 at a time, resulting in so much estrogen that she's continuously crying or punching someone in the face later that night. Best to avoid this betch and recommend the following to her:


sperm and eggBefore you die, you see the NuvaRing


The NuvaRing: For the forgetful betch. Although we don’t really like the idea of being fingered without a date or at least some foreplay, some say it requires less stress than taking a daily pill.

The injection/the IUD/The diaphragm: Okay mom, you can go back to fucking rando divorced dads now. These are way too much #36 work and quite frankly are for old people who are senile or stuck in an episode of Seinfeld.

Plan B: This can be used in the event that you fuck up any of the above methods. However, Plan B is NOT an appropriate birth control method in itself. It's expensive and using it enough times can seriously fuck up your future fertility. No one wants to marry a sterile bitch.

If you don't have access to any of the above use Plan A, also known as Plan Keep Your Fucking Legs Closed.


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