April 3, 2012
SPOILER ALERT: Read only if you've read it... or don't really give a shit.
Unless you live under a proverbial rock, or are from Africa and live under a literal rock, then you probably have heard people talking about 50 Shades of Grey. At first it's all like, why would I read a 600 page book about the color wheel? But then you hear it's all about sex, and again it's like, why would I read a 600 page erotic novel about the color wheel?
But eventually one of your besties will read it and tell you it has nothing to do with colors, no no. Instead it's a wild love story between a college girl and rich bro who's into S&M. I mean, we're down.
But then we read it. Despite it being a fast read, all this book ever turned out to be was a saga of a nice girl learning the ways of the nipple clamp. We're not denying that we enjoyed it but the main girl, the princess Anastasia, was just an unreasonable joke.
We got past the fact that she was a virgin, I mean whatever, it's plausible though dubious if she's really as #5 skinny as described. We got over her name being Anastasia, in spite of her parents being poor white Americans, not residents of St. Petersburg. We even forgave her distaste for coffee! Frankly, we gave this bitch a fucking break.
But then she said she didn't have a computer, or an email account...!!! This was a huge Mugatu moment for us, we honestly thought someone dropped fucking crazy pills in our #54 iced coffee. Who can afford a car, and college, but not a computer? Gmail is free for fucks sake! Can't even get yourself a cell phone? Our drug dealers can afford those! And like, maybe wear some shoes other than Converse, okay Kristen Stewart? Where's Jonah to tell us he was just punking us, Miss?
And for that matter, why would someone like Kate, who is apparently really hot, has a computer, and is casually valedictorian...of the entire university...be besties with this hardware store virgin? These questions consumed us the whole time, we were totally buggin.
Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on to Christian Grey. To be honest, we liked his character in spite of him being a complete creep who reminded us of Patrick Bateman. We were honestly waiting for the moment that he was going to kill the bitch, chainsaw style. But no, nothing happened.
In our view, all that really happened was this: these two meet. He installs the tracking device. She gets wasted for the first time. He saves her, thanks to the tracking device. She signs an NDA. He puts two silver balls up her vagine. She eats pancakes and bacon. They break up. Cool story Hansel.
On the other hand I've already bought the second book on my iPad so likkkeeee the author must be doing something right.
Anyway, back to Christian Grey. He's wildly rich and insanely good looking. He loves #31 wine, big fan of #77 shopping, and great in bed. Where do we sign up? Oh yeah, through his contract. Oh and speaking of his weird ball and chain ways, was anyone reading this and thinking back to their past sexual partners like hmmmm I'm starting to think so and so may or may not be one of these closeted dominant sex freaks...awkward, yet intriguing.
But would he still have had the same effect on Ana if his name were say....Protestant Perriwinkle?....50 Shades of Taupe?
Characters aside, the sex scenes were all pretty great but we were dying at each description of their private parts. His length...My sex...There...DEEP....My goddess. It was like airport porn. Come the fuck on, it's called a penis! What, E.L. James, you're a big fan of Trey MacDougal? OOOOhhh hello there, my little John Thomas!
And we can't forget to point out that the gliding scene was straight out of Thomas Crown Affair with a hint of Harold and Kumar...such romance.
All in all, this book was highly entertaining but at the same time just okay, it's complicated. Even though Ana got this rich pro to be totally obsessed with her, she was still a straight up weirdo, plain and simple. But we must say, 50 Shades of Grey is great for your diet. Not only does it keep you from eating (because you want to keep reading) but it makes you want to enter into a week long fuckathon with the hottest guy you know.