March 23, 2012
We imagine that upon seeing this week's Betch of the Week many of you had a small fit of confusion, followed by a loud 'who the fuck is this?!' Being the television connoisseurs that we are, we understand that our fans' channels rarely stray from E!/Bravo/HBO/Showtime and maybe TBS from 4-6 on weekdays.
However, this just doesn't fly for us. Just as we opened our minds to foreign cultures while #3 abroad, like when we blackout grinded with a Roman or vommed rebujitos, we also stepped out of our comfort zones when it came to TV shows. And betch are we happy we did, because if some bro hadn't casually mentioned that he idolized the pro that is Don Draper on AMC, we would have never met TV's modern Grace Kelly, Betty Draper.
For those of you who don't have a severe case of ADD and are able to follow Mad Men, you'll agree that Betty is a total betch. Not only was her character modeled after the princess of a country the size of Nantucket, but she is like sooo #5 skinny. And the only thing we love more than Betty's small frame is the fact that the show doesn't push the whole "she's naturally skinny" bit. The bitch literally does not eat. Don says so, her kids say so. All she does is smoke all day and make really nasty faces at poor people and her children. Does this not sound like the perfect use of anyone's time?
So yeah, Betty is kind of a bitch. She has no idea what proper motherhood or adulthood entail, as she hasn't even graduated to seeing an adult psychologist yet. I mean, what do you expect from a woman who grew up on the Main Line, graduated with a bullshit Anthropology degree, and then moved to Italy to model? TG she stayed away from the pasta because we're pretty sure she would have never met Donnyboy.
Her marriage to her ex-husband Don Draper was a complete whirlwind. She married him because he was hot, rich(ish), and gave her furs. I mean.... we're down. But after a few years he started cheating on her with women her complete opposite: brunettes with souls. Betty totally did not deserve this! Especially from a bro who turned out to actually be povo. So like a true betch, she got her revenge by immediately divorcing him after he divulged his deepest insecurities and secrets.
But we do have to say, naming your kid Gene? For reals? Yeah sure that was your dad's name, but Baby Gene just sounds like a Michael Jackson song.
Never mind all that because Betty is now married to Henry Francis, the governor of New York's bitch. She's unhappy, but can you really blame her? She exchanged a hot advertising pro for a pair of old gray saggy balls whose name sounds like he was the product of royal Hapsburg incest. We refuse to call her Betty Francis because we predict their marriage isn't going to last much longer, seeing as this relationship is the equivalent of a history professor fucking a 15 year old.
So when season 5 of Mad Men premieres on Sunday watch out for the betchiest housewife of the '60s. Since her tolerance is that of an infant, we hope she drinks more this season and fooks more bros at bars. After all, she needs to set a good example for her daughter if Sally ever wants to be Betch of the Week. Blackout Betty, blackout!!