October 28, 2011
In the spirit of Halloween, we thought it appropriate that this week's betch of the week be one scary motherfucker. When she’s not in jail or dating a woman, she’s tearing shit up at clubs, blacking out, and pissing off federal judges. Introducing, betch of the week, Lindsay Lohan.
Now, we all remember Linds from our betchhood when she starred in The Parent Trap as not one, but two characters. We fell in love and didn’t even mind that she had red hair and freckles. Needless to say, since then both we and Lindsay have gotten a lot betchier, and she sure as fuck started doing a lot less #36 work.
Then somewhere around 2003 she started getting kind of fat. But the chubs didn’t stop Linds. She starred in Freaky Friday with another lesbian, Jamie Lee Curtis and some other shit movie with Megan Fox.
And then of course came the ultimate in betchy movies. Fucking Mean Girls where she played Cady, a boring nice girl who gets betchified and becomes awesome. I mean, seriously no betch can even think of Halloween without Lindsay’s epic quote:
GirlBetch World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it. The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears."
TG for Lindsay letting those betch haters in on what we’ve known all along.
But enough about the greatest movie ever made. Lindsay started to notice that she was the fattest girl in the plastics, became totes ano, and starred in Georgia Rule (actually a good movie) and some weird ass horror movie where she plays a slutty amputee. Props to LinzLo on making one leg the new paraplegic chic.
Then all of a sudden, all hell broke loose. Lindsay went bat shit crazy. No one wanted to work with her, she traded in Wilmer ValderUsedtoBeFamous for a lesbo Bieber look-a-like DJ, her younger sister looked like she was 45 years old, and her dad became creepy. What was happening with the world!?
Okay, so here’s the thing. Lindsay’s constantly in and out of rehab or jail, and while we applaud her efforts to not do work, betch is running out of money and fucking up her life. If it weren't for that $1 mil she got for posing for Playboy, and that other $1 mil she's getting to have a sex toy modeled on her vagina, she'd be totally po'. Secretly, we think she’s #53 shadily a pretty good actress (sorry your singing stint didn’t work out). Get your shit together bitch!
Remember betches, when in doubt, don’t hesitate to protest the betchiest fucking cause out there. Fuck the environment or OWS, every betch knows the only sign she’ll ever hold in protest of injustice is one that reads FREE LINDSAY!!
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing