June 14, 2012
Eric Northman is indisputably the hottest #62 Pro in Bon Temps (what like it’s hard?), but he may have spawned an even hotter betch in the form of Pamela Swyton de Beaufort. Pam is so over humans, werewolves, fairies and all the shit that comes with living in a swamp in the Deep South. Like if you had to live in the backwoods of Louisiana with some gap-toothed fairy/human/bitch, wouldn’t you go bat-shit crazy and start eating people too?
As the bouncer at Fangtasia, Pam doesn’t take shit from anyone, and doesn’t hesitate to nonchalantly kill any nice girl with a bad fake. In a vampire celebrity death match, Pam would clearly come out on top. And we're sure that nothing would please her more than to shove a six-inch Manolo stiletto through Kristen Stewart’s aorta, as well the aortas of her too-pretty-for-her-boyfriends-Edward-and-Jacob. Honestly, who would argue that any sobbing-in-love Twilight tweenster would stand a chance against Pam’s blonde extensions and pointed manicure?
I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me and if you don't, I'll personally fuck, eat, and kill all three of you.
Let's go to the ladies room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.
I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name.
Above all things, the one thing that really sets Pam off is when someone fucks with her face. Even dead people care about their appearance. No one wants to look like shit while sucking the blood out of a hot dumb Southerner. Unfortunately, her skin began to rot away after that Wiccan cunt Marnie, randomly played by Aunt Petunia, put a spell on her. But like a true betch would, she dropped bank to get miz daily injections of fake flesh to uphold her beautiful older woman complexion.
Pam’s insensitivity, callous disregard for the well-being of others and endless supply of expensive outfits make her the ultimate in undead betchyness. One of the few things that could improve an already amazing show like True Blood would be an intensified focus on the epic gothic glamour of Pam.