July 5, 2011
While betches don’t actually #2 follow the news, there are certain things we must keep up with if we want to have anything to talk about with our betch acquaintances. I mean, what would we have to chat about if we couldn’t contribute our two cents on the breaking news that “Scarlett Johansson snuck away with Sean Penn for a seksi 24-hour getaway to Cabo San Lucas.” (Side note: we’re still trying to make sense of how we feel about this. Sean Penn is so old-man #19 ugly hot.) When we do want to be informed on what’s going on in
the world Hollywood there’s really only one place we go.
Many betches might not even know who the president is if not for Perez’s coverage. He manages to make all that dull shit coming out of CNN interesting with his ridiculous doodles and betchy commentary. He’s living proof that if you #1 talk enough shit, it can make you extremely successful. He’s built an entire empire on the basis of shit talking.
He’s also hilarious. Remember that time he was accused of child pornography for putting up a picture of Miley Cyrus without panties? Good, we have shit with Miley too. He has shit with TONS of celebrities! Fergie is a great example. We agree with him on that one also. She looks like a constipated transvestite when she performs. Super Bowl halftime show?
Some of you might wonder how he can be a betch, he’s a man! His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr! Just so you know, a requirement for being a betch is not having a vagina. Betch is a state of mind.
We especially find Perez’s reputation for outing people to be soooo betchy and we wish we could make a living out of gossiping just like he does. Being partially responsible for outing Lance Bass? We already think that’s badass, and even more badass was his response to criticism for doing so. “If you know something to be a fact, why not report it?” That’s how we feel about things. If we know something’s betchy, we report it.
If we could have any gay bestie in the world, he would be it. We even have a similar interest in hot guys! But it's mostly because he's all about owning who you are, calling shit like it is, and keeping it real.
“Whether you like me or not, I’m not going away anytime soon. I don’t care if you like me, I just care if you read my website.”
It’s like he’s reading our minds.