Betch of the Week: Suri Cruise

By The Betches

This week’s Betch of the Week is only five-years-old but strangely dresses better than 99.9% percent of Americans on the most fashionable day of their lives. Introducing the trendsetter who is turning the fashion world on its head, Suri Cruise.

suri cruise"My shoes are worth more than your life, bitch"

Suri is a betch because in her mere five and a half years of existence, she has managed to have multiple blogs devoted to her fashion sense and #77 shopping excursions. So how did one of Hollywood’s most famous Lucky Sperm Club members manage to turn herself into an icon and secure herself a place on our list? Let’s take a look at her short yet eventful life.


Suri was born in 2006 to Tom Cruise and Joey from Dawson's Creek. Now, we know it sounds like she had two gay dads, but really she only has one. So what’s a young Hollywood offspring to do when she realizes that her Dad is a homosexual maniac and her mom has developed a shopping addiction to deal with the fact that she married a gay fame whore for money? Take advantage of mom’s lonely addiction and become a fashion icon at the age of 5, that’s what!

Clearly she inherited her sense of style from both parents, although we assume that whatever Scientology lab Tom cloned her in prepared her for such stylish and in vogue perfection.

suri and shiloh"As if I'd be BFF with a lez who wears cloaks. Ew"

Suri knows how to handle the papz, showing off her #90 high heels and lipstick without a hint of hesitation. While some have criticized her for dressing inappropriately for her age, we’re sure that if she were able to give a statement to the press it would sound something like, “Fuck off, call me when the literal translation of your name is Princess. Let a betch live."


Some might ask, How can Suri be a betch? Is she even old enough to pee without a diaper? But she can’t pound shots like I can!! Chill world, give her eight years and we’re sure she’ll be in rehab or blowing up the tabloids in some dramatic #92 love triangle with Moses Martin and Kingston Rossdale. That is, when she’s not undergoing drunken bar brawls with Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Violet Affleck. We wouldn’t fuck with Shiloh though, Zahara looks like she could throw a punch.

While we cannot wait to see what headlines this little betch makes in years to come, we love Suri already. Though for some betchiness is a finely cultivated art Suri shows us that hey, some betches are just fucking born on top.

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