Should I Care If My Boyfriend Dances With Other Girls At A Rave? Ask A Pro

By Head Pro

Send your questions about love, gifts and gaslighting to Head Pro at [email protected]

Dear Head Pro,

I am the type of girl who loves to spoil whoever I am dating at the time. I love buying him little, small things here and there, treating him to dinners and dates when I can, and going all out for gift giving holidays like Christmas and birthdays. I feel like I am very in tune with their interests and wants when it comes time to give a gift, and I always put a lot of thought and meaning behind my presents. I know that most people don’t spoil their partners until things start to get serious, so I don’t expect surprises and gestures to really be reciprocated until after the guy feels that we are going somewhere in the relationship. However, I feel like every guy I’ve dated absolutely sucks when it comes to gifts.

I’m not the type of girl who needs to be showered with presents at all times, and I always want to go Dutch when it comes to dates. But I feel like after a certain point in the relationship that I can start to expect a certain level of gift. I value thoughtfulness and experiences more than material things. Like flowers after I’ve had a rough day, or tickets to an event that I really want to go to. However, I feel like most of the guys I’ve dated literally want me to spell out exactly what I want when I want it. It’s like they’re straight up not listening to me when I’m talking in any other context besides, “What do you want for your birthday?”

I want to know what guys think about gift giving in a relationship timeline? Like what do most guys think is appropriate after relationships get serious? Do guys just not think about this kind of stuff as much as women do? I feel like this is the case. Do I have a right to feel the way that I feel, or am I just being a bitch?

I Want a Damn Surprise

Dear Cindy Lou Hoo,

Well, let's back up a bit. You're saying you're not the type who needs to be showered with presents at all times, but yet you're emailing me asking about it. You're also the type of person who ENJOYS showering people with presents, and in reality how people are is demonstrated through their actions. You like giving people presents, so of course you feel that rampant gift-giving would make the world a better place. You don't see the ISIS terrorists say "No but really, it's totally cool if you don't join" right before they behead someone, after all.

You have two issues. One is that not everyone (in fact not most people) is you. That is, everyone knows one or two people who are PHENOMENAL at gift-giving, and most of us view with equal parts suspicion, jealousy and loathing. Every office needs a Leslie Knope, but that doesn't make her any less annoying. Second is that guys are legendary in terms of how bad they are at impromptu gift-giving. It's been reinforced time and time again, but it bears repeating: Guys are in "fix it" mode when you're having an issue. That's why they're unlikely to think about getting you something simple like flowers when you have a bad day -- they're too busy cooking up ways to murder your boss/bitchy coworker without getting caught. Ever had someone in the office get flowers from her dude for no reason, and every other woman in there is giving her the stank-eye? That's because it never fucking happens.

Compounding things is the fact that you want "surprises" and "experiences" over material gifts (so millennial of you!), which makes it even harder -- people value those things because they're rare, after all. To answer your questions, I think any kind of substantive gift-giving is fine once exclusivity is established. If you want better gifts, then meet guys halfway. I agree that handing over a list of demands is unexciting (unless you're the terrorist in a Die Hard movie), so do this instead: When a guy asks what you want, give him a rough idea. Say you'd like to go to a fun show/concert, or do something outdoorsy, or eat somewhere you've never eaten before. That way, he has a rough outline into which he can insert his creativity without fear of screwing the pooch (which we're also terrified of).

You always have the right to feel the way you do, but others have the right to not care,

Head Pro


So I'm 23 and my bf is 24. We started hooking up last December during winter break. I went back to graduate school (5 hours away from home ) for the spring semester and we still talked a little bit but it's not like we were talking everyday. We picked up where we left off  When I finished my program in May and came back home. We started getting serious at the end of summer. Ever since we started hanging out every time we were watching tv or a movie he would always comment on how hot and sexy basically every girl on tv is. It wouldn't bother me if it was every now and then but it was every single time and it was almost like he was purposely trying to make me upset. During August when we started getting serious I told him it bothered me and he acted so surprised and said none of his exes were ever bothered by it, but after I said something he stopped.

A week ago, when I was sick, he told me he was going to a rave and his friend had amazing Molly they were gonna take. I asked him if he would be dancing with other girls and he said yeah probably but it doesn't mean anything. I told him it was a big deal to me and if that's what he wants to do then I don't want to be with him. He said he wouldn't do it if it upset me that much but he also mentioned none of his exes cared if he danced with other girls. I asked all my girlfriends if I was acting crazy and they agreed with me that he shouldn't be doing that if he's my bf. I asked one of my guy friends about the situation, if he would care if his girlfriend took Molly at a rave and danced with other guys. His response was that he didn't care about the Molly part but the dancing with other guys part was sketchy.

Am I being too sensitive and acting like a crazy person or is this guy an asshole ?
Please help me.

Dear Get Out Now,

No, your boyfriend is an asshole. As far as the commenting on hot girls thing, I have NO IDEA why guys do this. I've done it. We all do it. And it's one thing to do that, being a youngish guy just kind of oblivious to the world, and then realizing why it might not be appropriate. But what he's doing is called gaslighting, which is where he says or does something intentionally incendiary and then says YOU'RE the crazy one for overreacting. It's a shitty, underhanded manipulation tactic, one that makes you doubt yourself to the point where you no longer question what he's doing because your objections must be unfounded. The fact that he ropes in girls he's fucked in the past is even more despicable.

As far as the rave thing goes (people still go to those), on its own it wouldn't be a big deal -- he's going without you to a place where people dance, so in theory you both ought to be mature enough about him dancing with whoever's around without making it into a whole thing. But in the context of his overall shittiness, it's just more of the same. This is why, if you have any intention of salvaging things, you need to focus on your overall feelings instead of these individual instances -- they're just more chances for him to pull the same shit. Tell him that, in general, you feel like any objections you have to his actions or behaviors are being dismissed, and that it makes you feel really disrespected when he uses his exes as justification for ignoring you.

If that doesn't work, tell him to go back to his exes (since they seem so chill),

Head Pro

Send your questions about love, gifts and gaslighting to Head Pro at [email protected]




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