How Do I Tell My Hook Up That I'm Not Ready To Be in a Relationship? Ask a Pro

Send Head Pro your questions about exes, fuck buddies and frat bros at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram (and twitter, lol) at @betchesheadpro. To read more advice from Head Pro, pre-order our second dating book and be prepared to get hit with some truth bombs. 

Almighty Pro,

So there's this boy (isn't this how they always start out?) who wants to become official. We've been best friends for two years and he's asked me out multiple times before. I truly do love him and can see us working out... but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship.

We hooked up last night for the first time after a friend's dinner party and multiple cups of sangria and had "the talk" the following morning. I can't imagine my life in a relationship, I feel like I'd have to change so much. I'd have to stop raging of frats, end random hookups, and delete tinder. I feel like in a relationship you become an old boring couple and that terrifies me.

Ugh what do I do. This is the boy I know I should be with but I can't stop being a slore.


Indecisive Betch

Ugh, I am too hungover for this bullshit. Can we all agree to stop perpetuating the "I'm just not ready to be in a relationship yet!" trope? Because that's just not a real thing. Yes -- freedom, privacy and relative lack of accountability are important to all of us, but it's not like people in relationships somehow value those things less than you. They've just decided that, however nice it is to come home to an empty apartment and eat ramen in their underwear, it's even nicer to have someone who cares about you. Sure, there are people who are legitimately not prepared to be in a relationship, but anyone who's fucked their life up so badly (of their own volition) is decidedly NOT self-aware enough to realize it.

So you don't "truly love" this guy, and you in fact CAN'T see the two of you working out. If you did, you'd actually want that to happen and would date him. You're not making a choice between swapping tobacco-tainted spit with frat guys and cuffing up with a guy you legitimately want to be with -- you're creating a false choice between being a normal college student and what may as well be a ham sandwich for all you care. The only reason I can see for even considering this is to stroke your own ego ("lol, my life is so crazy you guys!!"), but if for some reason you DO think this is a real problem, your college should expel you. Or force you to major in philosophy, which is just as bad.

Dear Head Pro,

I've never thought I would have to write into you, but I always laugh at  your column and would generally appreciate some of your good advice.

Last semester, my best guy friend and I started hooking up. Even before we actually did hook up, everyone thought we were dating because of how much time we spent together. We never made it official, although we were exclusive and dating in every sense other than using the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend. He ended things with me toward the end of the semester basically because I wanted us to make things official and he freaked out at the long-term commitment. Two weeks later we hooked up again three more times before break and then the first night I was back on campus we hooked up again, completely initiated by him.

I definitely still have some feelings for him and I kind of feel like he does for me as well, but throughout this whole thing I've let him have the upper-hand and I'm kind of sick of feeling like the ball is always in his court.

Would it be crazy of me to propose a very low-key, low commitment situation where we are exclusive, but don't have to hang out all the time? I don't want to keep hooking up with him if one or both of us is hooking up with other people because it might compromise our friendship. I feel like the exclusivity is a bigger deal than it should be, even though we are both kind of past the different hookup every weekend phase of our college careers. Or should I just cut my losses and hope that I have enough willpower to not hook up with him for the rest of the semester? A male perspective would be much appreciated.


Girls can do casual too

Yes, that would be pretty fucking crazy. That would be the opposite of winning. What you're proposing is what froth-mouthed internet comment section debaters refer to as "moving the goalposts," which means that when someone defeats your argument, you change the standards for the point you're arguing. In your case, what you're saying is "since he won't date me, what if I frame it in a way so that he's basically dating me but doesn't know it?" I would hope that when you read it like that, it sounds as batshit to you as it does to me.

Newsflash: You fucked your friendship when you decided to fuck each other. Friends don't have sex with each other, which is why "friends with benefits" is only a phrase used by the people on your end of the bargain. There's no way for you to come out ahead here, because this guy is a moron. Suggesting that two people who like each other and like fucking each other become official in no way suggests "long-term" commitment -- it could be withdrawn within a month, a week or even that day. He just doesn't like you that much. It's also not really "cutting your losses" if you have to use "willpower" to not fuck your so-called friend. He's (again) not your friend if he's still trying to fuck you, so you wind up in the same situation, only worse because you're not even getting laid.

Stop being delusional. There's not a deal with the devil you could sign that will make this guy magically come around and want to call himself your boyfriend. You can either continue to go along with what he's willing to do, or cut ties and admit to yourself that this guy was never a friend, just a guy you don't hate who wanted to fuck you the whole time.



Dear Head Pro,

So I'm in a bit of a complicated situation right now. I moved to NYC a couple months ago and since then I've been on and off hooking up with my ex who lives here. He broke up with me when I was still in college and he was living in NYC because of "distance." It took us a while to get to a place where we don't hate each other and can be friends and hook up.

Anyway, so since I've been in the city I've hooked up with him a few times and the second time we hooked up he said he had a gf because I mentioned getting dinner etc. She lives in Canada so I guess that's how he rationalizes it's OK to cheat on her. I asked him about her briefly and he says he likes her but doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. Also, the last time we hung out he was treating me like a gf. I thought we were just going to go and hook up at his place but instead we hung out and drank champagne with his roomies and then went to a bar and met up with his friends and their girlfriends. And he was going out of his way to introduce me to everyone which I thought was weird considering he has a gf in Canada.

I really like spending time with him however I don't want to stay in this weird hook up cycle and I feel guilty because he technically has a gf. Should I ignore his texts or wait and see if he'll break up with gf? He said he's going to if she just doesn't get a job here.

Thank you!!!


"The Other Woman"

It's not complicated! You're fucking a guy who has a girlfriend, and he's brazen enough to parade you in front of his friends! On the surface that might make you feel good -- he must like you a lot if he'll introduce you to everyone, right? Wrong. It actually means this guy is such a cockface and you matter so little to him that he has no qualms about flaunting your disposability in front of everyone. I know it may seem more complicated because you have a past, but it's really not. You're just fucking some other poor girl's cockfaced boyfriend, period.

He's not going to dump her. Why would he? He already has whatever benefit he derives from their sham relationship, and he obviously feels no compulsion to be faithful to her. Even if he does dump her, he's not going to dump her for you, the one girl who knows exactly what a dirtbag he is. If you want this to end, ignoring him won't do it -- he'll just see that as a challenge. Instead, you need to muster up a couple of ounces of courage and tell him that you don't want any part of whatever it is he's doing. Remember, you hated him after you broke up for a reason. Probably because he's a cockface.

Remember, treating someone "like a girlfriend" looks an awful lot like treating someone "like the sidepiece who lets me play with her but." It's called manners and/or courtesy, not a nonverbal sign of commitment.

Send Head Pro your questions about exes, fuck buddies and frat bros at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram (and twitter, lol) at @betchesheadpro. To read more advice from Head Pro, pre-order our second dating book and be prepared to get hit with some truth bombs. 




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