A Break Up Letter To Fireball

By Sabrina the Teenage Betch

Dear Fireball,

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, I'm not usually a whiskey girl. I have been loyal to vodka soda for years, and he's been loyal to me. Maybe not always the most exciting, but steady, reliable. I can't complain. I'm not sure what made me stray last night, but when my friend brought out two handles at the pregame and asked which one we should start with, I saw you and felt like being adventurous. I felt alive.

Everyone knows who you are and started "WOO"ing as soon as you entered the room. I guess you just have that sort of effect on people. We poured shots right away, and I was excited for what the night had in store. For what you might do to me.

At first, it was magical. You were so sweet I didn't need a chaser and TBH, I'm not used to that. You're different than most other alcohols, and it's not just your cinnamon flavor. You're warm, inviting and didn't make me want to projectile vomit upon contact. I know that you know all this already. All I'm saying is, while I'm not proud of what happened between us, I understand.

I can't remember what we did exactly, but I know it wasn't good. Things start to get a little hazy after shot number five. I remember trying to shut myself off, telling myself we'd had enough fun for the night and that I should revert to vodka soda before I did things I would regret. Of course, my friends were unsuspecting of the trouble that would ensue, and assured me that it was just a couple shots. That it was just Fireball.

Needless to say, I'm sick to my stomach right now. I can't believe we took things as far as we did and I could not be more regretful of my behavior. I'm not going to say you aren't sexy or fun (God knows you are), but I can tell you right now that I have not felt this awful in a long time. Our relationship, while it helped me experience a new side of myself, is over as of today.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that vodka soda will take me back, and that things between us haven't changed. I also hope that you'll support me as I try to move on, and that you won't try to win me back. A good clean, break, will be best for both of us. Please don't think last night meant nothing to me. I actually think I needed it in a way, needed it to finally understand which liquor is the only liquor for me.

And hey, at least you'll always have Pitbull.


The Betches




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