I Want To Break Up With My Boyfriend But He Pays For All My Shit. Dear Betch...

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Got problems? Does your dumb psychologist tell you the solution is to stop drinking? Email The Betches at [email protected] with your pressing questions about life and love and you might just get a response. 

Dear Betch,

I recently graduated college and moved in with my pro boyfriend, who totally adores me, has a good job, and is more than happy to pay all my bills and buy me presents. Sounds perfect, right? Here's the thing: since moving in together, I've realized that I kind of can't stand him and I miss being single. I know the solution seems obvious, break up with him, but the problem is that he pays for everything. Not to sound shallow, but I don't want to have to give up my apartment, my car, and my lifestyle. I did get a job, cause I got tired of being a housewife, but it's part time (mostly just for fun) and trust me, I did NOT major in something lucrative, so i have no idea how I would support myself. Tragically, my family is not in a position to bail me out (probably why I got my MRS degree). I even moved to a new city to live with him, so I don't have many friends here. I know it sounds terrible to stay with someone so they can pay your bills, but I have no idea how I would completely start over and support myself. Help!

Gold Digging Gloom (lol but really)

Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger,

But you sound like a fucking gold digger. It sounds like you’ve become totally dependent on your bf for literally everything, which is not betchy at all. Your first step is to stop making excuses for yourself. Yeah the job market is tough right now but it’s not impossible to find something full-time. I majored in creative writing (aka bullshitting) and got a job the summer after I graduated, so if I can do it so can you. Second step, look for jobs, fucking duh. The third step is that you need to break up with your bf. It’s not fair for you to spend so much time with someone you literally can’t stand, and it’s really not fair to your bf to be spending all this effort/money on someone who doesn’t reciprocate his feelings.

If you guys are living together it’s safe to say that things are probably serious between you two and it would be really fucked up if you led him to believe you were ready to settle down with him sometime soon or like get married or something. I do sympathize for you given that you’re in a new city and don’t know anyone. Obv don't leave your bf before you've got your shit lined up or otherwise you'll end up on the street. So start looking for jobs like yesterday so you can get your exit plan in motion. Now would also be a good time to learn how to pay your own bills (you go to the website, log into your account, hook up your bank account, and hit “Pay Bill Now”). Every betch loves gifts and free shit but not knowing how to do any adult shit post grad is pretty embarrassing. Also, wtf do you do all day, like do you ever get bored? Serious question.

Sometimes the obvious solution is also the right one,

The Betches

Greetings from a HS senior betch. I was going to ask this shy guy to homecoming, but I fucked it up and convinced by friend to ask him instead. It turns out that the guy hates her. #awkward She's that friend who is known to flip out at the little things in life, so I just kind of let it be. The guy wants me to ask him, and drama's right around the corner. Strange for such a shy bro, am I right? People are telling me to not give a shit what she thinks, but senior year I don't need another enemy. Thoughts?

-Senior Betch

Dear Damn I Feel Old Now,

I have a feeling I’m being catfished and this is just the plot of an episode from Glee, but what the hell. First of all, I don’t know where you got the idea that passing him off to your friend would be the most effective way to get the guy…like maybe put down J-14 and start thinking like a rational person. Who tf cares if your friend might become an “enemy” over it? If anything, senior year is actually the perfect time to lose friends you wouldn’t have kept in touch with after graduation anyway, so just do you.

In my experience, drama is unfortunately an inevitable part of homecoming, prom, and high school in general so there’s no use avoiding it. Grow a pair of ovaries (see what I did there?) and just ask him to homecoming. I don’t care if some commenter’s going to try to convince you that “real betches let the guy come to her”; you both want to go with each other and somebody’s gotta pull the trigger so it might as well be you. BTW it makes perfect sense that the shy guy would want you to ask him, so actually it’s not strange at all. Not to mention none of your teenage problems are going to be relevant in the long term, or even like a month from now.

Have fun at the dance and make sure you’re home by 11,

The Betches

Got pressing questions about life and love that only The Betches will understand? Email us at [email protected] and your question just might get answered. 




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