Breakupshop.com is exactly what it sounds like: a website for any betch who needs to dump a guy who’s been lingering around for too long, but is either too busy to do it or is just straight- up heartless (We’re not judging though.) For anywhere between just 10-30 dollars, you can pay professionals to break up with your boyfriend for you, either through text, e-mail, or a letter. Depending on how little you actually give a shit, you can pay for the most generic text ever or customize an old-fashioned, hand-written letter. If you’re really feeling generous, you can send him the “Breakup Gift Pack” for another $80, filled with chocolate chip cookies, two wine glasses, a Blu-ray copy of The Notebook or Call of Duty, and a Netflix gift card. It’s like the worst breakup and the best Christmas all in one day.
This service is not a joke. The homepage states, “All of our products are designed to give you peace of mind when ending your relationship, minimizing discomfort and maximizing potential for long-term friendship.” LOL, because we really wanted to be friends after we couldn’t even send over a sad face emoji. I’m pretty sure the only thing worse than being dumped through text is when the text is from some break-up company. In fact, the breakups themselves aren’t even discrete. A model text is signed by The Breakup Shop, which sends its “deepest sympathies” and wishes “all the best in the future.”
This service is perfect for betches who either hate confrontation or want to avoid any future stalking situations. The website even has an option to “apply to be a heartbreaker,” if you’re looking for some extra cash and don’t care to break a few hearts via text. If you’re honestly cold-hearted enough to actually break up with a guy this way, I’m not sure if I should judge you or respect you. Either way, looks like he’s not getting that J. Crew sweater back.