June 26, 2015
Throwback to 2008 - you're still into Twilight, Amanda Bynes hasn't been arrested yet, and Kylie Jenner still has her original lips (and boobs). It was a different time, one full of innocence. Then presidential candidate John McCain gave Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin a national platform. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was years before Seamless would be invented.
Anyway, Bristol Palin, the eldest daughter and regulation hottie by Alaskan standards, seemed to be a shining star. But it turned out to be a pregnancy glow. At the RNC Convention, the Palin family announced that Bristol was pregnant with Levi Johnston's steroid depleted sperm. It was like the Alaskan version of Friday Night Lights, except there was no Tami Taylor to save Bristol from herself.
Obvi Bristol had to keep the baby because her mom was pro-life and running for Vice President. She was relegated to the back of family photos and always held something in front of her stomach because if you can't see the pregnancy it doesn't exist. Then John and Sarah lost the election to Barry Obama (ever heard of him?) who had two daughters that weren't pregnant - coincidence?
Much like an episode of 16 and Pregnant, Bristol gave birth and tried to make her relationship with the baby daddy work. Turns out that's kind of hard to do when Levi talked shit about the Palins on the Tyra Banks show and modeled for Playgirl. After an on-again, off-again relationship that rivaled Chuck and Blair for all the wrong reasons, they finally gave up on the fairy tale in 2010.
Yesterday, Bristol announced on her blog, jesus maybe it still is 2008, that she's pregnant again at 24 years old. Well on the bright side she's not a teen pregnancy statistic this time. She didn't announce who the father is, but it's either her ex-fiance or some rando, I'm praying that Levi is the father.
More importantly, her statement is the most incredible piece of literature since "Are You There Vodka, Its Me Chelsea." She wrote:
"I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. But please respect Tripp's and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures, and I do not way any sympathy."
That is my new catch phrase. Drunk at a bar? At dinner with my parents? During a presentation at work? Buying Plan B? "I do not want any lectures, and I do not want any sympathy." Ah Bristol, 7 years later, and you're still keeping us entertained with your inability to use a condom.