February 11, 2016
Since the start of the election, things have gotten so crazy that us betches have been forced to do the unthinkable and pay attention to politics even though we're only in the primaries. And so we have all become acquainted with Bernie Sanders, the loveable Jewish grandpa who doesn't have time for a stylist because he's too busy memorizing statistics and getting mad at our dads for being so rich. Bernie's Robin Hooding has had a lot of people "Feeling the Bern", but nobody so much as our subject for the week: the dreaded Bernie Bro.
What is a Bernie Bro, exactly? A Bernie bro is the dude currently filling your feed with articles and memes from Bernie's Dank Meme Stash (which is a legit Facebook group btw). Has he ever posted about politics before? No. Or, well, maybe. You dk because tbh his profile is not one that you're looking at regularly, but either way between now and November he is your one stop shop for videos of Bernie Sanders shouting at various republicans during the 90s and charts explaining why Hillary Clinton is a witch.
The Bernie Bro's main objective, it seems, is to make sure that the entire world is both aware of and voting for Bernie Sanders. How does he do this? Well, first he must pour a virtual bucket of water on Hillary Clinton (get it? cuz she's a witch) and that can only be done by sharing as many articles from as many random ass websites with seemingly no credibility as a news source as possible. Each of these articles will be accompanied by a manifesto, written by the Bernie Bro himself, about how Bernie Sanders is America's Falkor and we should all get on his back and ride into Democratic Socialist Heaven. These posts are usually about 10 to 15 times longer than anything you were ever required to read in college and usually earn anywhere from 3 to 4 likes.
No matter where you live, what age you are, whether you support Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, or Donald Trump, The Bernie Bro is starting to get on your last fucking nerve. Well, actually, I can't speak for people who support Donald Trump. I have no idea what's going on with them, but my point still stands. I, the author, Miss Jane Duh herself, am personally an undecided Democrat. Do I think Hillary Clinton is shady? Yes. Do I like the way Bernie is running his campaign? Yes. Do I want, more than anything, for my college ex boyfriend to cool it with the HuffPo articles? Dear God, yes.
The Bernie Bro leaves us all in the shitty position of potentially wanting to support a candidate but not wanting to associate with literally any of his supporters. They are, as we say in Betchland, TTHs with way too much time on their hands (which is the worst kind of TTH). Considering the sky-high annoyingnss rate of the 2016 race, let's just hope November comes quickly so that we can finally just inaugurate President Trump and throw ourselves into the sea already.