Bro Breakdown: The Business Bro

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

The Business Bro is a staple among college campuses, or at least the ones with a business school, obv. There are two major types of BB’s (not to be confused with the BBB, although like everything else there can certainly be some overlap): the one who busts his ass, does a million clubs while starting his own entrepreneurial business on the side (or deals drugs, whatevs), and somehow ends up valedictorian of the B-school; or the kind who is just earning his BBA so he can work for his dad’s multi-billion dollar corporation. Adjust accordingly for bros who have already graduated and are working in the business world but he'll either immediately start his own business or work in finance in investment banking for three years before attending Harvard Business School in an effort to make world a worse place. 

Who:…I just said it, the business bro.

What: Doing business-y shit, joining AKPsi, never wearing jeans or T-shirts, fuck, I don’t know, I was a liberal arts major.

Where: You’re most likely to find the business bro at 6:30am, yelling at a Starbucks barista for putting regular whipped cream in his skinny non-fat latte when he specifically asked for light whip.

When: Unfortunately, once he decides to do the business track, this will consume his life, and yours, if you’re even tangentially in it. This means: constant bitching about B-Law exams (even though he goes out the night before anyway), constant Facebook statuses about his internships, every portion of the CPA exam, the new suit he bought, the high end prostitutes he's killed, etc. 

*Note: Some Business Bros are actually chill and not like super annoying or in your face about it. If you manage to find one of these, hold on and never let go, Rose!

Why: Because he wants to make a ton of money and doesn’t care if he has to sell his soul.

BBs in pop culture: Jordan Belfort, Patrick Bateman, Kevin Spacey’s character in Horrible Bosses.

If you’re dating the Business Bro: Yeah he could be the next Wolf of Wall Street or Mark Cuban which would be pretty cool, but you’ll always be second to his next big start-up idea.

If you’re friends: You’ll probably have to remind him at least once every 15 minutes to quit talking about his job/internship because you’re trying to enjoy happy hour. Other than that, it could be worse. Plus he’s a killer at interviews (hopefully) and will be a great resource for when you actually decide to go looking for that job your mom’s been bothering you about.

If you’re classmates: Don’t borrow his notes since he’ll probably try to fuck you over so the curve will be in his favor, but then again, you’re probably pulling the same shit. You win some, you lose some.

TL;DR: The Business Bro is great to help you lie on your format a resume (no, you should not list Pledge Mom as a leadership position); may bitch a lot about being stressed; probably wears nicer clothes than you.




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